pre-writing for tomorrow...

So, I'm pre-writing this blog, night before style, because tomorrow I have a big group meeting and will be sitting on my butt in a Holiday Inn all day long. I also have to give a 15 minute presentation in front of my entire group. Hope I don't make an ass of myself or say anything wrong, because these men will rip me apart, even for using incorrect terminology or something small and stupid like that. Engineers can truly be assholes!

Other than that big news on the plate: SISTER BRITTANY comes home!

She will be flying in in the am, sadly I will not be there to greet her. However as soon as my meeting is done I plan on zooming home from SJ. The Student Partnership that I belong to is having a Christmas get together at McGinnis Landing at 6pm. B is going as my date and it should be good fun! (With her there it might even even up the people I like compared to the people I don't like) I got us both swanky Yankee swap presents tonight (one is a pair of pajama pants covered in mugs of beer wearing santa hats, and the other is a pint of Smirnoff vodka). Woo! I know which one I'm going for...

After dinner, not sure what is going on, probably will end up crashing early due to B's jet leg. Hope she doesn't mind I didn't really clean my room up for her! (PS don't tell mom, I told her I dusted and vacuumed under the bed and stuff...which you will see I clearly did not.) This weekend is going to be a blast! and I can't wait for my other sister, Erica, and her husband Brad to arrive on Monday! Merriment!!!

I think it's time for another T&C chapter, what do you think? Everyone tired of hearing about this guy yet? Because I sure am. But here I go again blah blah blahing about him...it's like a disease.

Anyways, today was one of those days..everyone was working on their presentations, getting stuff done. Looked like Colin would be a no show for work, but not a big deal. It just happens that this Friday is Colin's 24th birthday. Now, I know this because it has been starring me in the face on my facebook homepage, as most peoples birthdays do, for the past week.

Today it was missing. Curious I tried to go to his profile..only to be denied! Colin's effing psychotic "gf" Colleen has deleted me from his fb, again! I am ripping mad, for all I know Colin is at her house right now. (He doesn't have a computer at home. Here I am just imagining them laughing together as they're deleting me. I am so mad! Just incredulous at this girl. I have purposely maintained zero activity with Colin over fb, trying to fly low under her radar. The first time she deleted me because we were messaging about hanging out. This time there was no reason, unless he has talked to her about me. Whether good or bad, I don't know at this point and am nothing but ridiculously, loose cannon angry.

Today also happened to be our department "Christmas pizza party" aka free lunch. Beelining it to Brendons trailer I walk over to the main building with him. Sadly, free pizza and goodies does not even lighten my mood. I feel sick and can only eat two pieces...pathetic. I end up leaving after only about 20 min and head back to my trailer alone.

Fuck. Mother fucking fuck.
Colins truck is in the parking lot, which means he did show up. And now me and him will be the only people in our trailer. I walk in, walk past him and go to my desk. "Tyyyyler" I hear.

I can't hold it in. Word vomit. Anger over bubbling!

Childishly I tell him I'm not talking to him. He asks me why and I tell him I am sickeningly angry with him. He asks why, and I can't help but tell him. Suddenly thoughts are flooding out of my mouth at him. Where were you this morning? Where were you last night? Deleted from FB. What did you say to her about me? etc etc. He is surprised and in disbelief that I am speaking to him like this. Remember, we don't talk about this stuff at work. But since no one is around I'm taking full advantage.

He tells me he has no idea and didn't know she did it and that he will re-add me, while I try to explain to him that that is not the point. Sickened I stomp off to my desk. He definitely does not want to talk about this, but follows me over anyways. This is when it gets weird ladies...real weird.

I downright ask him what he is doing with Colleen, and he finally breaks down and admits that she is his gf and what is he supposed to do. I ask him why he couldn't just say that, why did last week he sit in front of me and tell me how much he doesn't like her. Even now he repeats he doesn't like her. He says it's complicated because they've been doing this for 10 years and they hang out in the same group of friends and it's just easier then breaking up with her. BINGO - ding ding ding. Then why do you act this way to me Colin? Why do you do the things you do? It's too confusing and it's seriously beginning to fuck with me. I can't like you if this is the situation. He says he doesn't know what's going to happen, that he wants me to wait until after christmas and see what happens. I'm like, fucking yeah right! I refuse to sit around waiting for you to fucking make up your mind, or save your lil pretty from getting her heart broken over christmas. Boo fucking hoo. Basically I am struggling to talk this whole time because this discussion is so frustrating. I tell him how I would actually like to hang out with him and talk to him for real maybe, get to know him, since we can't even talk at work about this stuff. He says he wants to do that too, and so I ask why he hasn't made plans with me since. Because you live in Fredericton, he says. Nice fucking excuse. Move your lazy ass for once. He tells me he and some friends are getting a chalet at Crabbe for a weekend and that he wants me to come up and party with him. I tell him to text about it later, but he tells me he has deleted my number from his phone so Colleen wouldn't see it. Jesus fuck. It's just like slap in the face after slap in the face. He begins telling me how awesome I am and how much cooler I am then her, and how he wishes the situation wasn't so fucked up, which only makes me verge on tears. I can't talk to him anymore, I tell him with my hands covering my forehead. He starts stroking the hair on top of my head. He tells me he will write everything about the situation from his point of view in an email. I say ok. It's clear I am saying no more and that our talk is over. Colin is trying to make me smile. He tells me he can see down my shirt (im sitting and he is standing) Fucking moron. and He leans in really close to my hand held face to "read" something. It is too close, and if I wanted I could move my head and kiss him right now. Except moving is not something my body wants to do right now. So I just sit there starring down. I tell him I have to work on my presentation and he walks back to his desk saying good talk. I say, first talk.

1 minute later the rest of my trailer-mates walk in from the lunch party, none of them ever knowing the torrent that just went down.

Even though this is more or less the end of me and Colin, I feel better. The weight of the unknown has been lifted. I will move on, and date Josh, and try to ignore the feelings for Colin that stupidly still exist. But I will no longer hold off on making plans if I think he might invite me out, or expect anything from him in fact. I will not treat him differently from any other friend I work with. I will not get him a birthday present, or make his christmas card special from anyone else s. I'll get through tomorrow, and then B will be home and all will be good with the world. And then it will be christmas time and I will forget about him.



Thank you ladies, for listening to my woes and stupid boy stories. This is my one and only outlet and I feel so much better when I can be honest and just get all the gunk out of my system.

Special shout out to T Jayne, my #1 commenter and amazing designer of my new title block. Love<3