Sunday, August 29, 2010


I sit here, wind blowing my long curly hair off my face, sun-kissed shoulders exposed wearing my favorite summer dress, content.

For I have loved.


Thursday was our last day of work together, and by my previous blog, you all know I was clearly freaking. He left at 3:30 with Brendon. I didn’t make it out until 5. Reservations were for 5:30 and I had a 25 minute drive to make. After a quick get-ready session and some shots I was dropped off half hour late to a place I’ve never been. Butterflies? Yes.

I was welcomed boisterously by the boys when I walked in. A seat had been saved for me between my two favorites and I settled in quickly ordering a double long island iced tea, a poutine and a round of jager bombs.

Let’s just say that with the whole ‘being too nervous to eat at work’ thing I caught up to the boys pretty fast. 2 hours and some later we were all singing, dancing, laughing and joking at the table. It was then that an extremely inebriated Brendon leaned in and “whispered” that he’d talked to Colin about me, that Colin had told him everything (as I did) and that Colin had also told our other good student buddy Marc as well. Boy was I surprised. All this time, I’m thinking how sneaky we were being, and really, everyone who would have cared to at work knew all along. Hahaha, silly us.

By that point all secrets are being blown out the window and we’re freely speaking about the situation. It. Is. So. Liberating. And I am smiling with pride.

The plan was to go to Rockys after work.
The plan was to follow up at O’learys.
The plan was to drag our drunken hilarious asses to the local strip club around dawn.

The plan was to just fully enjoy a final night with my co-workers and then head back to my lovely friend Jojos apt for a good nights rest.

As the crowd begins to thin and people move along to the next stop Colin announces that neither I nor he will be following to the next venue.

Then we are the last sitting at the table as we bid Brendon good night. Then it’s just us and he’s staring at me smiling. And then we are kissing.

We pay, we leave, I’m taken by the hand and led a few blocks. We walk into the Delta and a room is booked.
The blurriest part of my evening, for certain, but I still remember perfectly, as we movie-style start making out in the elevator, arriving at the wrong floor twice before the bell boy waiting there suggests we try using the key to access our floor… I also remember saying thank you to him very politely. (Smiles)

We arrived at 11pm. We showered and hugged and kissed and loved and played and talked and confessed and bathed and slept together. We both knew what this was: our last song. There was no awkwardness, no secrets. Nothing left to hide of ourselves. We both gave into it and gave it all, like there would be no tomorrow, because, there wouldn’t be.

He looked in my eyes and told me he loved me. (all I’d been waiting for)

And I told him the same. He told me that he could marry me. That he could spend the rest of his life with me. He asked me if I would have moved in with him had I not been going back to school and had he not had her. I said yes. He told me how proud he was of me at work and the things I’d accomplished, how brilliant he’d found me to be and how much I’d surely succeed in life. He admitted his desire to someday go to university and become and engineer, like me, and I told him I’d always seen that ambition in him and that I thought it was beautiful.

Of the nine hours we spent together in that room little sleep was had. And the little that did was spent in each others arms. So much happened in that short instance. It felt as if time slowed, like the night was giving us more time together, allowing us to remain in our magical carriage without it reverting to its permanent pumpkin form.

It was one of the best nights of my life.

Inevitably, morning came and with it, bittersweet reality. I was due to work in Fredericton and needed to be on my way. We dressed each other for the final time. He assured me that this would not be the last we saw of each other, but I knew it would be, and I understand. We embraced and he shook my hand in farewell saying what a privilege it had been to work with me. I grabbed him by the collar and passionately kissed him one last time. And then it was goodbye.

We both knew what this was: our last song. And it was perfect.

I have loved.

(All Smiles)

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Today’s the day. The last day. My last day of work with Colin, Brendon and Marc. 16 months. 16 long months at the power plant.

Seems like just yesterday I timidly walked in, sitting down at an empty desk and finding myself surrounded by men. I remember the tears I cried at night my first few weeks as I felt ignored, stupid and unworthy of those men I was now working for, and I remember when I gained their respect, friendship and my confidence as a woman in the workplace.

Faces are flashing by me now as I’m getting nostalgic. People who I’ve met along the way. People who I never thought I would miss, but without a doubt will. My heart is scary full of emotions, and not just because today will be the last day I spend with him. But because this is my life now, it is what I have become accustomed too, and I love it. I love this place and I love these people with all my heart.

I’m trying to be happy today, I’m trying to be at my happiest, but I guess I can only be what I am. I should stop trying. But I’m paralyzed over the fact that this is my final day with Colin, however foolish that is. My body is literally turning against me. I have been trying to eat my lunch for, oh, the past hour and 30 minutes. My stomach is saying "NO, there’s too much other junk in here, and it’s taking up all the space...".  I want to be witty today and have funny chats with him and email conversations. Every time I run into him today, I freeze, smiling and awkwardly going about my way. Haha gawd he must think I’m a real catch today. Anyways, he made up this thing where we’re all going out tonight in SJ as a “goodbye to us students” work party. We’re going to this place called Rockys’; it’s a sports bar where they sell wings and the waitresses wear skanky outfits. I’ll be the only girl, so suck it up buttercup!

I cant even pity party myself right now, I just talked to my sister who gave me a huge boost of confidence and now I am ready to face the night! Her advice: be yourself. Be your happy, go-lucky self. Thanks sis <3. You are 100% right. No body likes a party pooper, SO fun-Tyler is coming outttttt. Whu whaaaaat? This is not a Tyler/Colin farewell party. This is a work party! With my work buddies. Whom I heart. AND the fact that I ate little to no lunch will just help me get drunk faster so PLUS!

I can’t believe this is it, back to the real world, eh. What am I gonna do tomorrow.’s been a ride

Electrical Design Group - August 2010

Shout out to the best desk buddy ever! (other) Marc. Left for New Zealand last December.

**ps I have to change my blog description now……fraaaag.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Next time? There will be no next time.

A week ago I, for all intents and purposes, broke up with Gary. FB msg’d him all that was on my mind and then deleted him.

This weekend I msged him Friday when I was out in SJ. Nothing special: 1. I’m out in SJ. 2. YOU. He msg’d me back in the morning saying sorry he was at his buddies camp. I didn’t reply, why would I?

Saturday night, 2:37am rolls around I’m just settling down after a mad night out.

G: So, you only text me when your drunk

You. Are. Kidding. Me.

Me: oh and you’re sober right now?
G: I wouldn’t drive but not drunk that’s for sure
Me: well I wasn’t exactly drunk when I wrote you that fb msg maybe you should start by replying to that
G: yeah I read it I mean I don’t know what to say im a dick you have every right to be mad
Me: well then why are you so concerned?
G: I don’t know you’re a nice girl you don’t deserve what I did

I’ve been ghosting it around my house lately. I constantly find myself with this look on my face: brow furrowed, eye brows turned up in the middle, and a frown where my smile should be. I sigh often, I mope around, I reread twilight, I say I’m fine when my mom asks me what’s wrong. I’m tired. I’m….exhausted.

I’m sitting here and all I want to do is msg him.

Do you still want to talk to me?

It’s got to be the lamest phrase ever..anythinged. I feel like I need to be this strong person, cuz I usually am. I feel like that’s what people expect of me. I feel like I’m such a loser, so pathetic, because all I want is for him to talk to me, to say he’s sorry and to fall asleep with his arms around me again. I feel like my friends think I’m pathetic for not being able to delete/block/de-friend/ignore him. I feel like I can’t mention it anymore without getting this “look”. I know that look, I know those emotions. I was that person. I remember feeding the same advice to other girlfriends. When did I pull such a 180’ ? I can barely do a cartwheel…

Do I try to box these…emotions, if that’s what they are? Save it for home, when I’m alone and protected by my sheets. Where I can watch 5 episodes of that DVD box set in a row. Where my cat never judges how many popsicles I consume. Where I can read New Moon out loud while crying and scream at Bella for breaking poor Jacobs heart.

I stare at my work computer, listening on repeat to “Love The Way You Lie”. Thanks for the timely theme song Eminem.

Ragingly. Pathetic. I feel it, I know it, I breathe it, and I still can’t help it. I can’t swim, or drink, or eat or think it away. How do I get out. Are we ever really out.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

La Douleur Exquise!

As intolerable and annoying as my weekend began (thanks to a certain someone who couldn’t plan a decent crap to come out of his ass let alone camping trip), it turned out to be one of my favorite of the summer so far. I gleefully took Friday off of work to bring my long weekend (thank you New Brunswick Day) up to a solid 4 days. After ½ day wasted spent searching for campsites (fail) my papa suggested I ask his dad if I could set up tent by his RV on the Naswaak River. Well by golly did I ever.

But before I get to that, let me just say thank the world for this person. It is really, really great to have someone you can count on through thick and thin: Who will always listen to your pathetic tales of woe and not make you feel worse, who will be glad to throw you a pity party complete with male strippers and nintendo, who will be by your side if you ever feel the need to creep on a certain boys fb page, who will paddle upstream to rescue you when you’re stranded in a kayak and you’ve lost your paddle, and who will help you eat that pint of Ben & Jerrys (Actually that shits expensive. More like “…help you eat that mcdonalds cone..”).

*Thanks to all the ladies in my life near and far who fit this. Love love love you all.

Friday the day was spent at our favorite 1800's hangout, King's Landing! Whit and I spent the day making our way through the quaint little town. We both decided that we'd like to have been born in the past but that Whitney would marry extremely rich so that she'd never have to lift a finger and that I would likely be married to the town's store keeper and possibly own an apothecary. I took pictures of everything and the "townsfolk" just loved us! (Probably because we were neither 6 nor 75 yrs old, which seemed to be the going age for every other tourist visiting.) We had fun taking in the history, drinking in the pub (Well...drinking water. It was hot!!) and stalking the mysteriously sexy horse cart driver.

O Great Map Reader
Just call me the horse whisperer.
Saturday was camping time! Not only did my brand new "popupable" (please see video link below) tent from Canadian Tire kick some serious ass, but my extreme camping mess turned into a beaaautiful butterfly: a surprise 2-(wo)man kayaking adventure and extremely entertaining hang out with my Grampie by the campfire. Grampie Fraser hang out time = surprisingly really fun.

Grampie and some RV action.

Badass Golfcart.
The Yaks.
Prob the one and only decent pic of us together. Kayaking + rapids + Vex = bad photo ops.
*I did make my own video demonstrating the awesome power of the tent, but this one is so so much better. (BTW it is totally real. I can assemble and dissemble the thing in 30 seconds flat. Pure magic. Eat that Harry Potter! Tentimus Maximus!!!)

When I finally got home Sunday I completely passed out. Woke up around dinner time with flip flops still on and dried drool on my chin. (nummmy)

Monday aka New Brunswick Day, me and the fascha took a trip to the US of A on our motorcycles. It was the most beautiful day and it was fun hanging out with my dad. We drove about 600km total and stopped about 10 times. He said we could never go anywhere for a purpose because at my stoppage rate it would take us 3 weeks to arrive.

The bikes <3
It's in the family.
Big smiles!
"How to eat my giant sandwich? Is so big!"
Rest Stop in Houlton, Maine.
Today I am back at work, working hard to get everything done in time for me to leave (just 4 more weeks EEK!) And yeah, things are still complicated with what’s his name. Honestly, I don’t think I know how to function around him properly. And I don't think, in four weeks especially, I ever will. Like, the fact that I’m trying to act normal around him and treat him like I would everyone else at work is just making me act weirder towards him. I’ll never get used to the idea he’s not someone I should be treating special. It’s crazy, but I still have feelings for him and that glimmer of hope that he feels something for me forever lingers. I am totally buggered. So, depending on my mood, I find myself seesawing between writing him soppy I-miss-you emails and standoffishly ignoring him when I bump into him in the cafeteria. What must he think of me? (NUTS, BONKERS, GOOBER…) I just wanted to say goober. Can matters of the heart ever just be civilized. Stupid primal instincts/irrational hormones.

To the left, to the left.
Carry Bradshaw, you took the words right out of my mouth.
Did I ever really love Big Colin or was I addicted to the pain? The exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable.

Let’s end with a summer list update…


1. Return for the 16th time to Magic Mountain Water Park in Moncton, NB.
2. Swim in the ocean.
3. Spend a weekend by myself at my camp in Boistown, NB.
4. Invite good people to stay at my camp with me for a weekend. (This weekend!)
5. Go tenting somewhere…anywhere!
6. Go on a road trip.
7. Get my swim stroke back. (Progressing)
8. Wear my hair naturally as much as possible. (Unleash the curl!)
9. Get a natural tan. (failing at the face, but the rest of the bod is coming along nicely)
10. Wear less face make up.
11. Feel beautiful again with no make up. (when I lose 10lbs...)
12. Be a passenger in a motorboat. (Does "driver" of a kayak count?)
13. Try fishing. (I saw a fish)
14. Go hiking in Fundy.
15. Motorbike the Cabot trail in Nova Scotia with my papa. (Did go 600km! down through Maine)
16. Eat a lobster, for the first time!
17. Figure out how to get rid of stinky feet and shoes.
18. Read 4 new books (Help me out people! I’m a terrible repeat offender…need some new material)
19. Host a potluck.
20. Slowly grow out the layers in my hair until I have a long, natural blunt cut. (slowest. process. ever.)
21. Get really dirty at least once.
22. Go for a midnight swim at Kilarny Lake. (this may be problematic as it's getting really cold out at night now)
23. Surround myself with people I love, are supportive and truly care about me. (so far so good)
24. Bake a quiche.
25. Fall in love with someone worthwhile. (pff, goood luck me)
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