I am back in my hometown for Christmas vacation! It is so nice to be home. Everything is just falling into place naturally as if I was never gone. The trees are covered in heavy white snow and the small streets are packed with seniors driving 40km/h.
Ah, it's good to be back.
There are a few things that are different however. I am mightily missing a certain individual from Edmonton. When you go from talking and interacting with someone so much to texting only...it sorta sucks. I'll see them soon though. I also no longer have a bedroom here. I am a nomad! I don't so much seem to mind however as much as I thought I would. My room is in Edmonton now.
We still have the same crooked tree here and my lovely fat kitties. I have been home for less then 3 days and already have had a dentist and orthodontist appointment (gross) Seen some of my best friends and stayed out until 5am. I have also eaten garlic fingers. SWEET MOTHERLAND GARLIC FINGERS AND DONAIR SAUCE. West coast, get on that, okay? Seriously.
Tonight my sister arrives and me and her have free run of the house. I have expertly put the Christmas lights up on the tree as always I am the Queen of Tree trimming around here. We'll see if we can't decorate with some bulbs before we fall asleep. Tomorrow morning I will be going to the local Saturday market here where I will proceed to eat my weight in all of my favorite home made foods that I have missed so much. List as follows:
8 trillion samosas
Chinese noodles and wontons
Steak on a stick
My other sister who is arriving next week has also requested a few things. I will basically be filling a bookbag.
Hi hi hi! I am dropping in for another quick update here. I am joyfully awaiting Christmas - only 8 days until I am flying home!
I am planning a small Holiday party for this coming Saturday for my co-workers and am so very very excited! I've been gathering some decoration ideas, food and drinks too. Party planning is FUN!! Someday I will be an excellent house wife. This shit just drives me. All I want to do is decorate and plan and prepare. Tonight I will be tripping to Canadian Tire and Superstore.
I have been reading an excellent book also recently called The Egyptian. The person who lent it to me is very special to me, and this just makes the read even more enjoyable. It's an old book, I've already torn off the cover and the edge binding by accident - someone give me the number of a book repair shop ASAP please!
5 more work days and I am a free bird. See you soon you filthy animals.
Finally - please follow the link to a superb cookie recipe, here.
Hey guys - just stopping in for a quick update between lovely book reading and watching Little Women. This week was full of wonderful things, business at work, celebrating birthdays, making friends and enjoying the snow.
I miss everyone right now so badly and am comforted in the thought that I will be home in less the 20 days. These days will go by quickly. I have already begun packing my bags in my head. I cannot wait.
Love to you all - things are well :) Hope you all have as much snow as we do here! My apartment just put up Christmas lights all along the iron fence that rings around the building. All smiles.
I think I am finally clear of sickness - my body has been resourceful enough so that I didn't get any flu symptoms other than being over tired and cranky. And seems that my sister is cured as well! Speaking of cranky - an 'Anonymous' mean person has been leaving hate comments on my blog.
Someone has too much time on their hands to go twice out of their way to comment on my last blog post. I wasn't going to acknowledge it but I guess I want them to know it does actually hurt my feelings - and this is my blog, right? So I get to talk about whatever the fuck I want to. Whoever you are, because of course you posted as anonymous - admitting who you actually are would mean admitting to yourself and the world that you are a bully. Being unfriendly and hurtful is being a bully. You have bullied me. An opinion is an opinion, but saying purposefully hateful things is very different. And success, you've been heard so can you please go back to living your perfect little life and never let me or my worries cross your minds path again? It would be very much appreciated. Thank you. Sincerely, me.
Moving on - I went to the movies with my friend from work: Skyfall, and it was excellent! I am not a huge fan of James Bond, but I loved the music and the cinematography. And Daniel Craig's chest - aholay crap. Be more ripped. Do it. Dooo it.
This weekend has overall been tiring but good. Lots and lots of Christmas presents bought Friday and Saturday, two birthday parties Saturday evening and some volleyball today. Does anyone else just friggin love buying Christmas presents? I am looking at everything right now, just can't wait to give it to you guys - one month (less than!) until I am visiting home with my family and friends!
Tired: I have been feeling so fatigued
lately, beginning last week and this week terribly. I am most definitely coming
down with something. This feels worse than when I had mono.
My sister (and room-mate had similar
symptoms of fatigue last week and she was out of work this week two days puking
her guts out for seemingly no reason. So I am basically waiting for this flu to
catch up to me and just get it over with.
When you get sick or don’t feel well does
anybody else get really depressed? I just feel so unhappy at this moment.
Honestly I’ll tell you I am in need of a boyfriend right now because I think
that would make me feel better. I mean a secured bf not someone I am dating
because when you're dating someone you're still in that really nervous stage all
the time where you don’t want to seem too needy. This is one of those times
when you just want to have someone to be holding you or bringing you water or
soup or just cheering you up and making you feel better. That’s so important.
That I currently do not have. And therefore
I am depressed. Yupp – just call me Bella Swan and fuck you all! Seriously
though, I had an amazing day today and my friend here really helped me out. I
have been trying to get my winter tires put onto my car for the past month but it
is like crazy out here I mean last turkey at the grocery store before
thanksgiving crazy to try and get an appointment at a place to get your tires
switched. I have been nervously sliding my way around town for weeks now on my
summers. Today my friend found me a place to go, drove me home to get my car,
actually went with me so I wouldn't have to go alone, waited there with me and
came back with me. It was the sweetest thing. It was so thoughtful, honestly,
he did it all himself I didn't even ask him to he just knew I was stressed out
about it so he called around and got me an appointment at this random garage.
It was even done for less $$ than if I would have made an appointment for
a month from now at Canadian Tire. Instead of going back to work we went on a
driving adventure to this house he is taking care of and ended up taking hours
out of our work day in total just talking and stuff. This, my friends, is a
good friend. Yes. See this is why I should not be feeling sad or depressed
today! It makes no sense! Anyway, I have actually had a good day, but I still
feel like shit. Thank you random Edmonton flu situation for making me feel
depressed and needy for no reason whatsoever. OH and also I have my first hang
out with some guys from work this weekend – other than going out after work or
at lunch. I am excited we are going to see Skyfall. I am like a child excited
because these are friends that I made without the aid of my sister in Edmonton.
Yes. This is happening. Finally. Haha, well let’s hope so. And this is turning
into the longest blog about nothing ever.
ONE MORE THING guess who I added on
facebook last night when I couldn't sleep?? OH YES Mr. Colin Boyd. HAHA! Back
from the grave. Actually I am really excited to talk to him again see where he
is in life. This is what I mean about times changing, and people changing
(check my twitter feed). I was reading old blogs last night looking back at my
relationship with that guy and just cringing. And now I have zero feeling about
it so it is great!! This. This is how I wish all relationships were. I am tired
of feeling feelings, because there is just always too much drama. CUT the
enjoying: that me and my sister sometimes do look the same feeling: very very happy loving: early Christmas decorations at my workplace! singing: soldier's eyes by jack savoretti eating: liptons chicken noodle soup wearing: big winter boots! YAY for not falling on my ass craving: Cupcakes...so then i bought some... obsessing: with w. loss missing: nothing. i am extremely content with how this weekend went. reading: the kill order (still, i am slow..) watching: laguna beach dreaming: of endless possibilities wishing: that i had 20 seconds of insane courage learning: to be sneaky..er fighting: with terrible nightmares deceiving: no one playing: the best of games
To get into the spirit of the season I bought this snazzy puzzle from the flea market. I do puzzles now. AND ANSWER SILLY FUN QUESTIONAIRES! Do yo self a favor - scroll to the bottom and play my Christmas song!!
Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
OH SHIT. TOUGHEST. QUESTION. EVER.
Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Oh they are wrapped! Except the big ones like Saucers and Toboggans.
Colored lights on tree/house or white?
I am not sure - every year I seem to change my mind as to which I like better!!
Do you hang mistletoe?
I would definitely.
When do you put your decorations up?
Oh geez. Dec 24th. Biiiig slacker.
What is your favorite holiday dish?
ERHMAGAD - Bite-size QUICHE!
Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
Oh everything for Christmas with my family. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Best times.
When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
What truth...no I don't even remember!
Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
Lights first then helter skelter! With Momma passing us sisters all the ornaments.
Snow! Love it or Dread it?
I love snow! But dislike it on the roads. I think it's beautiful and absolutely magical.
Can you ice skate?
Yupp! But it's always shaky for the first ten or so minutes for me.
Do you remember your favorite gift?
Ho ho ho...let's see. I remember the reaction I had a few years ago from a gift I believe one of my sisters gave me. You can't make that shit up.
What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
The fam jam. God bless em. (And this year it will be seeing ALL MY FRANS I MISS YOU BUTTFACES!)
What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Ho...CANDY CANE ICE CREAM OH DEAR GOD SO GOOD.
What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Opening stockings Christmas morning with my sisters and parents! But we may be getting a little old this year sadface.
What tops your tree?
A wonderful one-winged Angel.
Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
HA tough competition. But definitely giving. Giving a good special gift. It just feels so right.
Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum?
They are traditional and I like me some tradition. Therefore Yum.
Favorite Christmas show?
A Christmas Story TIMES A MILLION
Saddest Christmas Song?
Little Drummer Boy
What is your favorite Christmas song?
ANOTHER TOUGHY! But def Mariah Carey - All I want for Christmas for you. On repeat. YOU TUBE THAT SHIT!
This spot that is like fire, burning, bright and engulfing It's more fun than you'll ever have. And more dangerous than anything you'll ever do.
Lately I've been wondering what's been going on. And I'm ready to surrender. Surrender to the enemies I am battling. To tremble in their outstretched palm. Exhilarated and intimidated - for once in my life timid. This is to be graceful and full of laughter. This is to be remembered.
Between that place and this, no regrets are left. The latter. The overstep. The deep plunge. This will be careful and calculated. This will be left up to chance. I have diamonds in my eyes that are reflected in yours. To be captured. This is a war.
I march with head held high, my eyes are smiling. And so are my feet. I see colors, they flash and direct my hands. My thoughts they're read like a book. An entwining that was never politely requested, such a private thing. Careful and calculated. Guarding. Give and take. Who are you if not what you feel. Crystal and beauty and fragility that will not fear destruction. That will surrender. I will not freeze.
You know. Today I got TOLD by my co-worker. Basically he told me that by 25 people should have their lives together - work, relationships, kids, the entire kit and caboodle. He's sitting there, telling me this, and all I can think is - Buddy, you are 24. What do you think is going to happen in one year? That your fairy god mother is going to swoop down and perfect your life?
I was feeling pretty good about myself, before this conversation. I'm 24. I have a wicked degree. I have a full time job. I make the money. I've done good for myself. I did exactly what I set out to do when I applied for University coming out of high school.
But ya, I don't have kids. I'm not married. I have no significant relationship in my life to speak of save the one I have with The Walking Dead. Does that make my life sad? I don't know.. I mean how much of someones life is dictated by that of anothers? Do we need someone to be happy? I DESPISE when I hear women whining "Oh I'm so lonely I don't have a boyfriend, waah waaah!" I mean get over it, there's more to life.
But then, is there?
I am twisting all up in my mind here. I definitely would love to be in a relationship right now with someone I loved, and who loved me. Someone to be that one person for you and you for them and all that comes with a meaningful relationship. But I also would love a million dollars. And it's not that simple.
And now that I can't get this subject out of my mind I feel like I am jinxing myself. Like, people always say "If you're looking for it, it won't happen. But the minute you're not, there it will be."
Well I guess this is where I say to myself: Self, maybe you should concentrate on your own self for awhile. ("Say self again." "Self.")
Eugh deep conversations with co-workers. #Keepitlight
I swear to God I am so tired of boys being pissy. You're not in High School anymore. Get it together!
Lately at work I have been making some much closer friends - still in the 'work friend' category but definitely getting closer to the 'real friend' end of the spectrum. But honestly the more I get to know some of these guys, and let me tell you, they areall guys, I am seeing a whole new side of them! And it's chalk full of boy drama (that exists?? who fuckin knew)
Two of them really don't like each other and I get to hear about that all day long - like guys you work together, get over it. I strongly dislike one fellow I work with but I am still civil towards him, I just don't make a point to go talk to him. It's easy guys - if you don't like someone, do yourself a favor - stay out of their way and forget about them! Or else strip down and duke it out. Preferably with some sort of oil involved, you handsome devils you.
Sometimes I don't understand guys and what their problems are. Please, just get over it and donot get mad at me because of it!
feeling: the same loving: Halloween! singing: one more time by daft punk eating: delicious nacho dip wearing: dark denim jeggings (ooh ya) craving: Halloween candy! obsessing: over my co-workers missing: his eyes reading: the kill order watching: sons of anarchy dreaming: of unmentionables wishing: that i didn't care learning: to be better fighting: with sleep deceiving: everyone playing: with fire
I read. I write. I talk. I walk. I eat. I sneeze. All of these things I do and life goes on day by day. This week I was struck. When your view of someone is so shattered. And not just...it's from the one person who you never saw it coming. And here we are so utterly saddened and that one person that you want to talk to about this doesn't even exist any more.
This is that point. That point of no return. Anger turns to sadness and bitterness and you're not as young as you once were so you know that people just don't bounce back from these things. Someone alters on a fundamental level and it's pitifully despairing but there can be no turnaround from that sort of change. This is not your first trip to the rodeo. You tell yourself you won't be put through such harm again - when the what your searching for is no long tangible. Grasping at straws.
But not to worry. Things will get better.
Or yet, your body will grow to forget and the sting will lessen...some what. And these dark skies you see surrounding you will part and sun will shine in once more. Until then there are a few things to do. Life becomes like that - a set of tasks, one after the other, in an attempt to overrun the noise of it all. Once you stop running the waves will catch up to you and crash down.
This is the saddest of all stories.
That knowledge of what has been lost - it pounds.
And just knowing that it's lost you forever - like looking at the stars in the sky, seeming so close at hand but thousands of light years out of reach. A never ending display of beauty.
I have a lot to write about. Too much! And this is one of those times that I have been holding back. I want to write everyday about this but I need some advice first - so I am patiently waiting for this evening when I will get to skype my best friend and let every single thing fall out of my mouth that needs saying.
This is not a bad thing, but I don't know if it's a good thing either. CRAP.
In other news we are getting new furniture on our floor at work this weekend and I will be moving to my own corner office instead which is intimidating as all hell and I need a donut.
I just don't have access to the internet yet at my new apt and since I don't have a fancy-jancy phone I can't walk around with internet in my hand either. Alas..
I am just sitting here at the old apartment where it seems I still have internet...hmm..had to make an emergency email check happen.
Lots of shit has happened in the past month I AM SO SORRY I have been depriving you of my exciting life but I will give you a little taste just to hold you over -
Last night, I made a Lean Cuisine, watched the Shawshank Redemption on my laptop while taking a bath and eating popsicles, played a few rounds of Bubblebust on my phone and then fell asleep to It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
Nothing is better than something extra-HILarious happening when you are feeling like shit. OH wait, tripping yourself and sprawling on the ground during downtown traffic is not so funny. Okay, yeah - it was pretty funny. Ha ha, I was like 'JESUS' - *slam*. Palm face. Get up, gather dignity, swat bloody torn pant knee and walk on.
In other news I am an official Albertan now. Or, my car is anyways. I had to get an eye test in order to get an Alberta drivers license and I barely passed because I was wearing my glasses. THE ONE DAY I do not put my contact lenses in. Also Alberta's drivers licenses are apparently similar to mug shots since you are not allowed to smile. The guy was like..'You can't do that. It messes up the polices face recognition software.' I was like...ummm..ahhh.
Then I went to the grocery store aaand it was pretty typical. Except that while I was standing in the produce aisle there was this young guy worker who was reaching up high on the shelf and the little sprinklers sprayed water and totally got him. He was like 'AW SHIT!' and then he looked up at me and we both lost it.
Work was cool today because I actually worked one-on-one with the electrical group supervisor. He is this important guy who has the power to fire me at any moment but I feel oddly comfortable working with him - he talks to me like he thinks I know what I'm doing. Which I think I sort of do..or am beginning to. Either way it is great.
Last night when I was feeling blue my mamma called because...she is the bomb. I miss everyone.
My head sort of feels like it's in a vice - which is a great description of my life right now. Being locked in this apartment alone is...there is a feeling of pressure. And I should be outside and my stomach is tearing at itself and sometimes I sit here and think, this is my life?
Life is not a constant vacation, there is work to be done and things that no one wants to do. Then you live your life and you absorb the love and friendship of the people around you and that is what makes it. And here I am feeling so alone and the one person who's reaching out to me I cannot see. These emotions I am feeling, I know myself and I know they are temporary and not even real but the idea of connecting with anything at this point is the only thing that is on my mind.
I know that to stay away is what needs to happen. But how can I break this one and only connection I feel in this city. I know that I won't. And then I know that I have to.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. I know things will go back to normal and this post will mean nothing but for now it will have to do. Take it minute by minute, and day by day.