Weekend blogging! I can barely believe it myself. :D
Last night was lovely and calm. I didn't end up seeing miss whitney which deeply saddened me, but i got to share in the lovely company of miss hutch and her roommates.
we went to chapters and perused the literature and i got a nummy salted pretzel. Ps if you've ever been curious about whether a salted pretzel would still be tasty the next day after sitting overnight in your purse, let me assure you, it IS. whip it was all out at blockbuster so we chose the invention of lying instead. it was pretty good, but i think i really like it mainly because i LOVE ricky gervais.
after nearly passing out during the movie i headed home directly after it was over at about 8:45pm. even hutch commented how tired i looked. i was emotionally tired.
this has probably been one of the best but one of the most stressful weeks. it used to be i would blog about every little thing colin would do...now it's like, there's too much to even begin.
everything has changed since last friday. we email back and forth almost all day, and it is no longer subtle innuendos, but full on conversations. i find it so fun sneaking around our work trailers together, making sure no one gets suspicious of us. i went over to him one day and asked him if he could show me how to do something on his computer. he really didn't know how to do it, so i ended up pointing out what to do for him. he said i was doing a better job then he was, so i confessed in a whisper that i was lying, and i just wanted an excuse to come over. he then kissed me at his desk.
we hung out thursday, less then a week since last time we'd been together outside of work. much sooner then our usual month in between interludes.
he doesn't act weird or look at me guiltily anymore at work. he smiles at me every time he sees me. he's nicer and friendlier then he's ever been before. everything is great.
there is always a but...
we've sort of got to this...new boundary. thursday, he was supposed to come out after the movie and hang out. but neither of us knew where to go. he wouldn't come to the movie because he was paranoid he would be seen, even though there were 4 of us girls going and it would hardly look like a date. i guess his gf does know what i look like from deleting me from his facebook account numerous times. but i just can't see the big deal. i suggested we go to his house but he wouldn't. he told me he knew someone on the eastside would see them (apparently that is where everyone he knows lives, and they all talk). I think that is a bullshit excuse, but if he's not comfortable with it then that's fine. i know he is still worried deep down about his gf, but he won't say that directly to me. at this point the convo always gets awkward, i don't mention her, ever. i hate thinking about what i'm doing and what he is doing and what it really means that we are both doing this. then there is the want that creeps back in... he made a joke about us getting a hotel room. i told him non-jokingly i have seriously thought about that. he said so has he. then he starts saying this stupid line he loooves "let's just play it cool". oooo I DESPISE THIS. it is the only thing he does that seriously makes me angry. what does it even mean? fuck it pisses me off. i just want to go "FINE" and bolt from his truck. he says that i just need to wait a couple weeks and let him figure out life. he tells me he wants to come to fredericton this weekend, while i just tell him he never will. he promises. but he is a liar so this means nothing, right?
yesterday at work comes along, i ask him if he'd like to get lunch. he says of course, and asks me where i want to go. i tell him it depends on if he's willing to go offsite or not (aka, you know what would happen). he sends me back this: "it doesnt matter to me, but any food from the caf is probably better then anything you can get offsite, but it's up to u"
he knew what i meant but blew me off...or puts it in my hands to make the decision, like he might feel guilt free if it's me making that call. i choose the cafe. i almost tell him that i'd rather go alone, because at this moment i don't want to even look at him. but of course, that would make things maybe irreversibly wierd, so we go. he is just like he has been all week, so friendly and cheery. he tells me about last night and that he was sorry he didn't make it out and asked me if i had fun and everything i did. i am barely listening and responding with one or two words answers. i dont mean to give him the cold shoulder but i feel vulnerable at this moment.
he knows i am getting a drive home with brendon to fred at 330. right after lunch, about 130, he sends me an email that says "do you want to leave for fredericton now"
my mouth hits the floor, is he serious? i can hardly believe it. after blowing me off, now he wants to go to fred with me? which he has never done before... emailing back and forth, we eventually we get to the what would we do and where we would go questions. i say that we could probably go to my house. he says ohh i would have to meet the rents, im not down with that, will have to think on it. i ask him what he is down with and he replys that we should play it cool.
i could kill him. i avoid him as much as possible for the rest of the afternoon, but somehow i still run into him face to face and alone TWICE. both times i literally am getting away from him as fast as possible without running, dodging around him and not listening to what he's saying. he catches me right when i'm getting into brendons car, mumbles something about me texting him this weekend and he'll come up, but i am not listening at all and couldnt tell you what he really said if i wanted.
so this is where we are. so much has changed, by leaps and bounds since last friday. but here we are at another roadblock. we have no where to go to be together. nowhere is safe. nowhere is allowed. what we are doing is crashing down on us both. i said i would give it two weeks to see what is really going to happen. he's shortened my waiting time from 7 months to a few weeks for him to figure his business out. i dont know what to do other than just to keep going with the flow, not think and enjoy the good.
wow, i get so into the diary/story telling. back to normal posting: my sorority ladies are getting together today at 1pm at Lee's house to make some chocolate roses to sell for Valentine's Day! So excited to see my girls and get in the spirit. Now i think im going to run to the dollarama and buy some goodies to make homemade cards with :D:D and hit michaels to get some more necklace supplies to fill some orders! tonight is two of my friends birthdays! we'll see what pans out. hope everyone has a lovely lovely saturday :D
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