Thursday, February 11, 2010

fail ?

I have most definitely failed at my “be cool around Colin” goal. Dammit. Let me explain…

Yesterday’s story:
I missed lunch doing frustrating work with my supervisor, so was heading to the cafe late and grumpy. I ran into him as I was going out the trailer door. He told me to wait for him so I did. We walked and talked, neither of us in particularly good moods, but still holding a comfortable conversation with each other, like we don’t need to fake anything anymore, or put in effort or pretend.

I was like we should just eat here, when we were walking out of the cafe with our food and he was like alright, let's do it. So we grabbed a corner table together. Again, neither of us particularly jolly or cheerful on this day: we talked about our stressful work lives and our regular lives. We talked about "what comes next" as I called it. It seems that the thing next for us would be to stay at a hotel. He said he’d be down with that, but for me I feel that whole situation would truly be taking, whatever it is we’re doing, to the next level, a wrong level…making everything official…a real, full on, premeditated affair.


Changing the subject, I ask him if he's got any plans for the big Valentines Day. He says, for us? And I'm like no, no, no: for the gf, of course. He says no. His usual ramble begins. He starts talking about how he doesn’t like her, doesn't even get on with her anymore, and why doesn’t he just break up with her. I tell him I don’t want to think about her. That I prefer to pretend he doesn’t have her. He goes on into “I don’t know why I’m still dating her, it's just so comfortable, the situation.” I tell him sometimes I get stuck thinking about what kind of hang outs they have. If I knew, would I be jealous? Are they good? Is he lying to me? What are they like compared to ours… He tells me their nothing like ours, and if I think he’s having sexual relations with her as well I’m dead wrong. He’s said this all before, you’ve heard it. The difference today is that we're not having a fun flirty, child like conversation. We’re sitting there discussing like the adults we sometimes are, a more serious, this is life kind of talk.

He tells me: "yeah, but we should definitely have a full day and night kind of hangout soon." This makes me happy. I guess he might come up for Friday…I’m not holding my breath :) or anything.

Yesterday, he was just really sweet to me. Perfect, actually. Neither of us were behaving in an affairish, game playing, work-sex type way: just in a boy likes girl, girl like boy way. It has my heart feeling good. Too good. I think he is getting to a deeper way then I ever planned to let. I’ve been thinking this a lot lately, but I usually just ignore it or force those thoughts to the back of my mind where they belong.

My head is swimming, literally. He just came over while I was typing this so I had to minimize it and then I had nothing to do. He borrowed my permanent marker and we just are sitting here making eyes at each other like buffoons in silence because our coworkers are sitting all around us.

I know this is what I didn’t want to happen because now I most definitely will get hurt, but love has nothing to do with logic, or timing, or circumstance. It’s purely emotional. We'll just see what happens now.

Yupp, guilty of being just another silly girl.


FashionistA said...

you should download Comfortable by John Mayer. its about a break up, and how it's hard because you are so "comfortable" with each other. and then play it for him and tell him to just get over it already.

Robyn M. said...

We are all silly girls..every single girl in the whole frigging world I bet..

mahuahua said...

Sounds like you are going through a really tough time.

Keep your head held high lovely.


Anonymous said...

I agree with Robyn M. We are just a big ball of feelings and emotions... I kinda lack in the emotions dept... but I FEEL alot, just like any other girl. Keep your witts about you! That's the only advice I can give... Sometimes your heart can betray you so make sure you use your brain... :) One day at a time.

TJayne said...

Oh Ty, we're all silly. :)
You sound sad, so I would just like to say I Love You.

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