The following is what was too scandalous to put in my blog...then I decided I don't care.
I emailed Colin asking if he wanted to go out to lunch Thursday when I had my car at work. He didn’t reply and ended up working through lunch.
The next day I was like TYLER don’t even answer his emails YOU ARE MAD AT HIM for not even bothering to reply yesterday. Of course, at 10:12am he emails me and it says:
Does your lunch invite still count for today or has that ship already sailed?
And of course I cannot say no to him, so I tell him it’s a plan. We ask other people if they want to join us but in the end it is just me and him. I also wanted to get pizza, cuz we don’t have pizza in our caf at work. Then I realize the place is at least 20 min away driving. I tell Colin maybe we should just eat in the caf here but he says no, he doesn’t care. So we end up going, just me and him. And all of a sudden I’ve got him in the car for 20 minutes, alone and sober. I jump right to the nitty gritty questions: asking him about his gf and his life and stuff. We get there and get our pizza, eat in the car. Then somehow we get around to the subject that I really like him and I realize his situation with his gf and how he cannot get out of it easily and blah blah blah, the usual. Then I just say: “If I asked you to kiss me right now, would you?” and he replies: yeah, probably. So I say OK kiss me and lean over to him and we are both smiling ear to ear like two little kids in middle school. And he kisses me.
I tell him to kiss me again, and he says it’s too public (we are sitting in a gas station parking lot after all, where lots of our co workers are) So I start putting on my seat belt to go back to work and he says: “Have you ever been to Lepreau falls?” He explains how it is this water fall down the street a bit that has its own parking lot at the end of a long street. He says we can go there….
And so we do. And we are sitting in park, kind of awkwardly, both knowing what is about to happen.
We kiss twice, but I stop it both times. Stomach eating self at this point, all these thoughts running through my head: Shit he has a gf, Shit I like him so much, Shit this is my dream come true, Shit does this mean he likes me too for real now, Shit it’s my time of the month, SHIT! He then says maybe we should go back to work and I agree, again putting on my seatbelt. He looks at me and says, “Tyler..” like I am doing something wrong, then “Do you want to go back to work?”
I say no, he looks at me and turns himself fully around in his seat, pulls me to him and we are off, seriously making out. We’re there for about 30 min, stuff happens…
As soon as it’s done he is panicking I can tell. His thoughts likely similar to mine. He says stuff like “That was so bad, I feel so guilty. I have a gf. You are my co worker. I don’t want to break your heart.” And then he starts going on asking me how it would work between us. “You live in Fredericton, I live in SJ. What are we going to do when our work term is up in 8 months and you go back to school fulltime at UNB in Fred and I am here in SJ at NBCC fulltime?” At this point I am still flying from what just happened but I am brought down rather abruptly by his clear distress. He says things like “I’ve never done that before, everyone’s gonna know at work! We’re going to get fired!”
I can’t take it anymore, I snap at him telling him to calm the fuck down, know one is going to know, no one saw us, his gf won’t find out. I don’t expect him to immediately break up with her because that happened. And to please just act like he normally does because I can’t handle him freaking out.
He says “Look we are fighting already. Ok, still just friends. With benefits....”
We get back to work, no one asks us a thing, and we go about our afternoons like we always would.
I am a horrible person because he has a gf, I know. But just because they’ve been dating on and off for 7 years doesn’t mean they are meant to be. Them having the same group of friends probably doesn’t hurt, and their mutual friends already dating and such, it’s just a snowball effect. How can I pry him out of this hole he is in? He’s told me a million times he doesn’t like her, and how much more awesome I am. But it’s complicated, as it always is with these things. Just because he’s settled, doesn’t mean he has to settle.
// Things I Love Thursday v.284
1 hour ago