merry christmas to me....

This year my immediate family decided to forgo buying Christmas presents for each other. Unintentionally, I ended up being my own Santa Claus...poor little credit card. It didn't know what hit it.

Lace Throw

 

Wicked lil bathing suit

 

 Leather gloves (Mine were black)

Fooler Sweater

New dress for New Years (don't mind the floating dust specs)

 Cute cover sweater

Excellent wooden photo frames

 This beautiful leather journal

And my personal favorite...

 Satchel bag from Roots made of Tribe leather

Thanks Santa!

SURPRISE!

-20SomethingBloggers.com Blog Swap 2010-
Hint: Click the image below to enlarge.

CHECK OUT HER BLOG: http://cornflakedreams.blogspot.com/

I have something to say

After reading this blogpost (which I encourage you all to stop and read now), there are a few things I would like to get out.

I want to say, thank you.

Reminds me of something my mom always say, "It never hurts to say thank you to someone and let them know they are appreciated. Nothing bad ever comes of that."

True words momma. True words.

Warning the following may be extremely mushy and sentimental.

First: thanks mom. You are my rock (sooo cliche) and you selflessly take care of me. You are one of my best friends and you are ridiculous and strong and I love you.

Second: my best friend Whitney. How fortunate I was to meet this girl who I'd always wanted to be friends with in high school but never quite found the right time, who has become a soul mate and is a constant in my life I feel I can really depend on. She loves me despite my faults, my temper, my busy schedule, and my ridiculous boy fascinations. I look up to her, she is beautiful and determined and through good and bad is always herself. I can't wait to see where life takes us as we grow up together, get married and build families. I know it will be one hell of a ride <3

Oh gawd, ALL my other amazing friends who I am truly blessed to have met.
Robrob: You left a friggin gaping hole when you left, which I honestly wasn't expecting. I miss you, a lot. You are always there for other ppl and you tell it to them straight. You are ridiculous, awkward, and adorable. And a hot mamma when you want to be. You always listened to me pity party about boys, which I really appreciate, and give me good advice. You are my bestest drinking buddy. Lurv you long time.
Jojo: Took awhile for us to get there, or maybe just for me to, but you have developed into someone I couldn't imagine not having in my life. You are so brave and you stand behind your convictions. You are a substitute mother to any one who is in need and you will be a great success in life. PS You are one sexy bitch.
Nicole: Whole hearted, selfless, tolerant, accepting, caring. A wicked party animal and someone who can be counted on. <3
Hutch: You live on a farm.

JUST KIDDING! Lol, I love you.
Ashley: You were there for me whenever I needed you. Thank you for being the person you are. I miss just being able to show up at your place, talk and watch movies. And I miss your drunken sexy dance. I hope you and Richie find all the happiness you both deserve and I am so happy for you guys.
Tmo: My lovely little model sweetheart. Always caring, always full of emotion and love and someone who is a hell of a time at a party :D

There are so many more I could write, thinking of you all in my head...it's hard to choose. My life has been touched by so many great women. I guess I will sum it up and just say Iota Beta Chi Sorority: All you sisters, you truly are my sisters and each and everyone of you has touched on my life at some point or another and I am truly honored and thankful I met you all.

I feel like this list is lacking in boys. I had a lot of guy friends in high school, and I ended up dating most of them. Hence, not so much friends anymore...
but there is one, Dan, and he won't read this but I love him dearly and I know he will always be my friend and we'll be old and moldy and eating ice cream on a dock somewhere. He is sensitive without knowing it, adorable and a great friend. We met in gr 6 and I was the first girl who danced with him at one of the dances and it was that that solidified his liking of me. He will never let me forget :) and I'm glad I did.

There are people missing from this list, or, person. Someone who will never read this but someone who stands out in my mind as a shining friend. Ok, none of you will know him (well maybe you Whitney) so I will just say it anyway, Mike Weale. He was one of my best friends in high school and I will always respect him and always quietly wish he would speak to me again and that we could be friends now, a little more grown up and a little more mature. Cuz I think we could be best friends again.

Finally, I'm going to say my sisters: Erica and Brittany. These two chickas are fantastically strong, intelligent ppl and we will always be on my same wavelength. Sisters go through stages: jealousy, annoyance, hate, tolerance, and inevitably become best friends. (Unless one of them is a total douche...then that just sucks) Haha, they are my girls, my always, my laugh, my heart, my ridiculousness, my inside joke, my drinking buddies, my movie cuddlers, my chatterboxes, my vent, my loves,

my trinity.

Oholycrap I just wrote a lot....of stuff. :| awkward face. OH WELL not deleting it.


POST

Ya ookaaaay

Me and momma are going out SHOPPPPPING! Superstore and Shoppers Drug Mart. Whoa. Somebody stop the wild train.

BIG NEWS!

I won a free dvd from popcorn. 

Yupp. It's that Orville popcorn where you heat up your bag and a message appears in this little box. Well it told me I won and it told me to write down a number and enter at this website. That was last night. Tonight, I'm sitting here waiting for my mother to actually be ready to exit the house, figured I would get it done. Took me three friggin websites and no less than 8 google searches to find the right one. The bag lied to me! Told me the website address for the old contest. Anyways, I managed. I got my free DVD, a choice of.... (drum roll please)


The Cat and the Hat
Nanny McPhee 2
The Tale of Desperaux.

We chose the mouse movie.

Erm well we just got back. I am tired now and we have lots of toilet paper. Biiiiiig day. I was very excited at the grocery store when we entered the frozen food section and there was this big hanging sign for Candy Cane Ice Cream: a holiday treat must and one of my personal favorites. I was however severely disappointed when, after mom and me searched for like 10 minutes, there was none to be found. SERIOUSLY upset. Stupid sign.

Oh I also put up our ourdoor christmas lights. We now have our tree up and decorated and our outdoors decorated, AND IT'S ONLY DEC 11th! This is a Fraser family miracle.

Back to studying.

YES

This almost makes me as happy as the new kesha video. Almost.



And no I'm not being sarcastic.

if you're one of us, then roll with us

I'm dreaming of....

an iPad.

(completely impractical for me but totally awesome still)

-20lbs.

 (ya, doesn't everyone)

more harry potter stories.

(but for now a cool t-shirt will do....on the hunt!)

a healthier diet.

(THINK VEGETABLES!)




To be able to move like this.
(Impressed, Keisha Chante. Impressed.)

christmas decorations.

(getting on that directly after this...)

for girls to wear pretty dresses all the time.

(ala splendor in the grass)

AND every season of the waltons on dvd.
(oh, i went there. gimme soma that old school living.)


Merry Christmas peeps.

Oh YA and HOLA CRAP the new Chronicles of Narnia movie is coming out this Friday. Boototheyaah.

it be snowing

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, boom boom!

sitting around at home watching the buried life, wishing there were old school christmas movies on. can i get a little claymation? please?

sooooo the holidays have arrived with a bang. maybe i should take the pumpkins off my deck. erm, whatdya think.

this is my beautiful backyard. SNOW SNOW SNOW.

tonight i am going to an old fashioned slumber party. that's right, SLUMBER PARTY. also, it's a sorority slumber party.
wow, that just hit me. sorority. slumber party. cue flash to naked pillow fight scene..awwwkwaaaard.


Annny ways, I made this at school. BAM. (btw, it's a power supply. see that big thing? that's a transformer. wound it myself. yupp.)

Gotta go to the dollar store for some goooooodies! Enjoy your weekends.

tis the season

Relationships

There is no black and white. There is no constant. People change all the time. Something triggers deep down and there’s a shift. Hormones decreasing or chemical signals accelerating. It isn’t tangible or predictable. But it happens, and it happens all the time. You can’t blame it, because there is nothing that could have been done to stop it. There’s no one to put blame to.

Can we really believe there is this “one true love” that exists out there? We are supposed to find them…it’s the ultimate goal, right? So, what about the guy/girl you are with now. Are they the one. Can you tell? Is there a feeling inside? If it’s there, will it last? If it’s not, will it come. Would you bet your life on it? What then. What if you know they’re not but you cling to them none the less? Perhaps you are their one, and you merely treat them as a stepping stone. Is it therefore wrong to continue to be with them? To prolong the inevitable, because really you’ve already subconsciously decided. Should the other be content with what portion they have, or will it all inexorably end in chaos on both sides.

And then, what if you and the other party both know you will never be more than you are right now, which could be barely anything but what it is, is something. Do you continue for the sake of continuing regardless of the fact that the ultimate goal will never be achieved and that this might in fact be impeding such an occurrence.

How many is too many. Where do we draw that moral line?

Is it worth it to remain in limbo. Is it worth the short good and the predictable bad. Those who aren’t getting what we all know they deserve, because everyone knows you deserves the best.  Isn’t that what we all tell each other?

You could do better.

Don’t settle for anything less.

He’s not the one for you.

The truth is, there is no line. We’re all utterly selfish and self fulfilling, even if we don’t realize it. We all want that something to cling to, to have, to give us what we need. Sometimes it hurts us and sometimes we hurt it. Regardless, it remains. That want. That need. To have. And  to what end?

What is it more self damaging? To persist in a relationship with such bleak potential or to remain alone until the day arrives….if it arrives at all.

I talk to Gary, we talk. Sometimes I tell him to go away and sometimes I just want him to hold me and I don't know why. I don’t see this person. We don’t fit into each others lives. Yet here we are, closing in on a year since we first met. We’ve seen each other merely 3 times. We don’t fit. Why are we still talking? I don’t really like him, do I? I don’t see him. I don’t know him. You can’t know someone through a phone. Then why does it go on. It’s fruitless and sometimes it hurts for no reason at all. But it continues. For both of us. We cling. We’re clinging. But is it wrong? And if it’s not then why is it making me think like this? Why is my brow furrowed.

“These are the things we want. Simple things. Comfort, sex, shelter, food. We always want them and we want them all the time. The id doesn't learn; it doesn't grow up. It has the ego telling it what it can't have and it has the superego telling it what it should want. But the id works solely out of the pleasure principle. It wants. Whatever social skills you've learned, however much we've evolved, the pleasure principal is at work in all of us. So, how does this conflict with the ego manifest itself in the psyche? What do we do when we can't have what we want?” -BTVS

So there are different. There are many. Here's a few.
The...
'I luv you' lover
'I love you' lover
'I LOVE YOU' lover
'I love you more than you love me' lover
'you love me more than I'll ever love you' lover
'I can't love you' lover
'I can't stand you' lover
'circumstance' lover
'rebound' lover
'jealous' lover
'great sex' lover
'cheating' lover
'expected' lover
'wounded' lover
'settling' lover                                (check)

it's looking to be about that time again....

aaaaaand this is what I do while I'm studying to keep sane

I'm sitting at school in a delightfully empty computer lab reading over and making notes concerning my upcoming midterm this Monday. I didn't get to go to the kegger (sad face) due to an overrunning CMPE lab last night which I didn't get home from until about 7:30pm, and which effectively turned my brain into mush. So emotionally stunted and drained I opted for a little R&R, watching a few eps of Dead Like Me, eating some smart pop and reeces and reading American Psycho in the bathtub. Looking forward to next weekend, where I will make my own kegger god dammit.

For those of you wondering, the colin issue has been dismissed. After thinking long and hard I decided that bothering to be facebook friends with him was not really something I wanted, or would benefit me. But being curious about his intentions I instead sent him a casual msg reading: "Sup? I see I was defriended, again huh" Thinking I would get some form of reply along the lines of "yea colleens nuts" or "i'm coming to fredericton this weekend", something to explain his sudden interest. I instead get no reply and mysteriously the friend request disappears. Can friend requests be revoked by those who make them? Curiouser and curiouser I check his account seeing that the msg I'd sent had been deleted and the friend request was there no more, meaning either he changed his mind (completely possible), or else his gf (who also knows his fb password) signed his account up to her Blackberry (which would explain why he had that on his profile news feed even tho he doesn't own a blackberry) and the msg infact went directly to her phone instead where she proceeded to delete the friend request. Either way, I'm a free bird and that was the longest run on sentence ever. Ha! I am relieved. Let's all cross our fingers that well enough is left alone.

Halloween is coming! Need costume ideas...

Girl Scout?
Bank robber?
Greek Goddess?
Sheep.....?

Just a few of the ideas I'm tossing around right now. For some reason I'm leaning toward bank robber. I really want to run around with a stuffed burlap sack with a dollar sign on it. It's hilarious to me I don't know why, but it feels right.

If I were a boy I would dress up as Vincent Price. I just watched House on Haunted Hill. Not gonna lie, I was kinda scared.

Also I feel the need for some pumpkin carving and leaf pile diving!!!!



I fucking love Fall.

and just when things were looking...different

bollocks bollocks bollocks.

today began as a normal lovely fall day. went to school, met up with some friends to work on an assignment (THAT'S RIGHT! I am making friends at school again.

SIDENOTE: sometime around second year I started rebelling against my fellow engineering classmates. decided i hated everyone and they were all annoying losers. kind of a bitch? yea, sort of. I would choose to sit by myself with headphones and a book rather then make "forced" small talk. I don't really understand it now but apparently 16 months away working did me some good, cuz now you can't get me to shut up

One of the girls invited me to go to GEEKCHIC BOUTIQUE downtown with her cuz I'd never been, and we ended up going out to lunch at Dimitris (YUM!) and getting ice cream. we also hit the comic book store (beware of incoming nerdom) and i bought some new buffy books....umm quickly moving on, i saw a purdy lady at dimis :) Shout out to Mfizzle.

And I've been talked into going to my first EVER Electrical/Computer Engineering Kegger party...oooo I'm apprehensive! But kinda super excited to get slammed with my newly appreciated peers.

anywho, just a short, tiny recap there, what was i here for again?

oh ya. that.



caaaan anybody guess? ok. TWO guesses.

it has to do with a certain someone.

a certain someone who lives in saint john.

a certain someone who i thought out of my life for good.

a certain someone who i'd come to terms with having out of my life for good.

a certain someone who i'd already had my closure with.




yupp. you've guessed it. i got a facebook. friend request. from colin.

it popped up on my little innocent iPod screen as me and Tanya were in the parking lot. i heard the little 'bing', it just happened to be in my hand, and there it was, one friend request a la Colin Andrew Boyd. it actually stopped me in my tracks to the point where Tanya asked if I was ok. it was horrible, my stomach just completely sunk.

Tanya offered to steal my Pod right then and there and delete the request for me... but I said no. and now it's just sitting there all, requesty.

it's not the fact that he had the gall to re-add me.
it's not the fact that he deleted me just a few short weeks ago.
it's not the fact that it's been almost 50 days since our last night together and he's thinking about me now.
it's not that he is still in a relationship.

no. none of that compares.

it's the fact that i wouldn't let Tanya delete the request that is the most worrisome.

bring on the kegger.

les aventures de tyler

NEW blog layout.

NEW bedroom.

NEW necklaces

& shoes

& headbands.

(keep a lookout for pictures)

Add new please!


<a href="http://everybodymusthaveafantasyeh.blogspot.com/"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4048/5076755158_563f74c108_m.jpg" /></a>

womp there it is

LISTEN TO THIS WHILE YOU READ. IT IS GOOD.

 

Well, it's been yet another lengthy stretch since my last decent blog. I know I said I would likely be blogging it up during my SJ visit last Friday....but I was pleasantly surprised when after his hockey game Gary asked to hang ten. Turned out to be a really good night :) Not only did I get to relax in my lovely friend Jojo's bachelor apt, but I got to eat TACO BELL, my favorite, twice in fact, for dinner Friday night and lunch Saturday....haven't felt right in the gut since but it was delicious and worth every bathroom minute AND watched Letters to Juliet and Get Him to the Greek AND hung out with ....and I say this tentatively... my....main man? Errr, good enough.

Worst moment of the trip (and possibly of life) I was watching tv in the am and I noticed that I hadn't seen or heard of Joanne's crazy cat in awhile. It wears this friggin loud bell on its collar and Jo's apartment is not that big, so I had searched the whole thing in about 30 seconds. No cat :| Getting frantic. I get dressed and start running the halls of the building wondering how and when the cat had escaped. I have not been that work up and upset in, I don't remember how long. Went back to the apt and searched again, running from room to room over and over in this sick and twisted loop of terror practically crying! Finally I check her office closet again. There's this giant stuffed bear in there and thinking that its not going to do any good I lift it up. And there, hidden underneath the effing bear, IN A BOX, was the stupid cat.

Minor heart attack had.

Still a busy with school! No one was lying when they told me third year was the hardest, faaaaalk.

Biggest issue right now: trying to put large .pdf files (books) on my iTouch so I can read them at school. That way I don't have to drag around another heavy book with me. Anyone have a good app for this? Tried GoodReader and it won't friggin work for my iTouch. Blasted iPhone aps only.



Does anyone have twitter???

HI! Do any of you guys have twitter? If so...I want to follow you! I just got it...http://twitter.com/tyler_fraser

Night in SJ tomorrow, will likely do a proper blog :)

<3

You're aliiiiive!

oh FUCK im losing followers

lol

Guess that's what you get when you don't blog for 4 weeks...


THANKS FOR STICKING WITH ME others! So many things have changed, gone on, started, finished(?). My brain is all Aaaaaaaaahhh. Oh and now my cell phones dying. WELL ISN'T THAT JUST GREAT. Haha, phew....I'm ok, I swear.

I've been....busy.

Things at work are still wrapping up, doing some continued work for them still. It's AWESOME. Really. It's smart people stuff! Makes me feel S-M-R-T working alongside two Dr's in Electrical Engineering.

University is back in session and I am back with it! No more fulltime working gal for me. 16 month contracts up and so here I am bouncing around campus with a new sense of determination to succeed, some sharp looking eyewear and an armful of books.

The sorority I am President of, Iota Beta Chi, is also back in full swing. Pretty much every day I've been committing myself to one event or the other. September's recruitment month and that means a busy time for us gals :)

Aaaaand this year I have been asked to enter a volleyball team (of my very own!) into the cities +19 Co-ed indoor volleyball league!  YEY! So for the last few weeks I've been getting a team together (I named us 'Sets On The Beach'....HAHAHA I crack myself up....) and first game is this Sunday. I could not be more excited WOOO. Love volleyball.

Boys have been kind of put on the back burner for me with everything else that's going on. I haven't had any contact with Colin, and I am really really ok with that. I think the closure thing was really needed and now it's like, back to reality. And sanity. Haha, gaaawd there are so many things that have happened in the past few weeks, I think only photographs will be able to tell all those stories...

Jojo and Ash

Tpain and the Robler

Shout out to Robyn, Joanne and Ashley, MISS YOU ALREADY COME VISIT AGAIN.
Like, now.

OH and I "renovated" my room, before and after pics to come.

(Smiling)

I sit here, wind blowing my long curly hair off my face, sun-kissed shoulders exposed wearing my favorite summer dress, content.

For I have loved.

(Smile)



Thursday was our last day of work together, and by my previous blog, you all know I was clearly freaking. He left at 3:30 with Brendon. I didn’t make it out until 5. Reservations were for 5:30 and I had a 25 minute drive to make. After a quick get-ready session and some shots I was dropped off half hour late to a place I’ve never been. Butterflies? Yes.

I was welcomed boisterously by the boys when I walked in. A seat had been saved for me between my two favorites and I settled in quickly ordering a double long island iced tea, a poutine and a round of jager bombs.

Let’s just say that with the whole ‘being too nervous to eat at work’ thing I caught up to the boys pretty fast. 2 hours and some later we were all singing, dancing, laughing and joking at the table. It was then that an extremely inebriated Brendon leaned in and “whispered” that he’d talked to Colin about me, that Colin had told him everything (as I did) and that Colin had also told our other good student buddy Marc as well. Boy was I surprised. All this time, I’m thinking how sneaky we were being, and really, everyone who would have cared to at work knew all along. Hahaha, silly us.

By that point all secrets are being blown out the window and we’re freely speaking about the situation. It. Is. So. Liberating. And I am smiling with pride.

The plan was to go to Rockys after work.
The plan was to follow up at O’learys.
The plan was to drag our drunken hilarious asses to the local strip club around dawn.

The plan was to just fully enjoy a final night with my co-workers and then head back to my lovely friend Jojos apt for a good nights rest.

As the crowd begins to thin and people move along to the next stop Colin announces that neither I nor he will be following to the next venue.

Then we are the last sitting at the table as we bid Brendon good night. Then it’s just us and he’s staring at me smiling. And then we are kissing.

We pay, we leave, I’m taken by the hand and led a few blocks. We walk into the Delta and a room is booked.
The blurriest part of my evening, for certain, but I still remember perfectly, as we movie-style start making out in the elevator, arriving at the wrong floor twice before the bell boy waiting there suggests we try using the key to access our floor… I also remember saying thank you to him very politely. (Smiles)

We arrived at 11pm. We showered and hugged and kissed and loved and played and talked and confessed and bathed and slept together. We both knew what this was: our last song. There was no awkwardness, no secrets. Nothing left to hide of ourselves. We both gave into it and gave it all, like there would be no tomorrow, because, there wouldn’t be.

He looked in my eyes and told me he loved me. (all I’d been waiting for)

And I told him the same. He told me that he could marry me. That he could spend the rest of his life with me. He asked me if I would have moved in with him had I not been going back to school and had he not had her. I said yes. He told me how proud he was of me at work and the things I’d accomplished, how brilliant he’d found me to be and how much I’d surely succeed in life. He admitted his desire to someday go to university and become and engineer, like me, and I told him I’d always seen that ambition in him and that I thought it was beautiful.

Of the nine hours we spent together in that room little sleep was had. And the little that did was spent in each others arms. So much happened in that short instance. It felt as if time slowed, like the night was giving us more time together, allowing us to remain in our magical carriage without it reverting to its permanent pumpkin form.

It was one of the best nights of my life.

Inevitably, morning came and with it, bittersweet reality. I was due to work in Fredericton and needed to be on my way. We dressed each other for the final time. He assured me that this would not be the last we saw of each other, but I knew it would be, and I understand. We embraced and he shook my hand in farewell saying what a privilege it had been to work with me. I grabbed him by the collar and passionately kissed him one last time. And then it was goodbye.


We both knew what this was: our last song. And it was perfect.

I have loved.

(All Smiles)

LA FIN!

Today’s the day. The last day. My last day of work with Colin, Brendon and Marc. 16 months. 16 long months at the power plant.

Seems like just yesterday I timidly walked in, sitting down at an empty desk and finding myself surrounded by men. I remember the tears I cried at night my first few weeks as I felt ignored, stupid and unworthy of those men I was now working for, and I remember when I gained their respect, friendship and my confidence as a woman in the workplace.

Faces are flashing by me now as I’m getting nostalgic. People who I’ve met along the way. People who I never thought I would miss, but without a doubt will. My heart is scary full of emotions, and not just because today will be the last day I spend with him. But because this is my life now, it is what I have become accustomed too, and I love it. I love this place and I love these people with all my heart.

I’m trying to be happy today, I’m trying to be at my happiest, but I guess I can only be what I am. I should stop trying. But I’m paralyzed over the fact that this is my final day with Colin, however foolish that is. My body is literally turning against me. I have been trying to eat my lunch for, oh, the past hour and 30 minutes. My stomach is saying "NO, there’s too much other junk in here, and it’s taking up all the space...".  I want to be witty today and have funny chats with him and email conversations. Every time I run into him today, I freeze, smiling and awkwardly going about my way. Haha gawd he must think I’m a real catch today. Anyways, he made up this thing where we’re all going out tonight in SJ as a “goodbye to us students” work party. We’re going to this place called Rockys’; it’s a sports bar where they sell wings and the waitresses wear skanky outfits. I’ll be the only girl, so suck it up buttercup!

I cant even pity party myself right now, I just talked to my sister who gave me a huge boost of confidence and now I am ready to face the night! Her advice: be yourself. Be your happy, go-lucky self. Thanks sis <3. You are 100% right. No body likes a party pooper, SO fun-Tyler is coming outttttt. Whu whaaaaat? This is not a Tyler/Colin farewell party. This is a work party! With my work buddies. Whom I heart. AND the fact that I ate little to no lunch will just help me get drunk faster so PLUS!

I can’t believe this is it, back to the real world, eh. What am I gonna do tomorrow.

Well...it’s been a ride

Electrical Design Group - August 2010

Shout out to the best desk buddy ever! (other) Marc. Left for New Zealand last December.

**ps I have to change my blog description now……fraaaag.

Next time? There will be no next time.

A week ago I, for all intents and purposes, broke up with Gary. FB msg’d him all that was on my mind and then deleted him.

This weekend I msged him Friday when I was out in SJ. Nothing special: 1. I’m out in SJ. 2. YOU. He msg’d me back in the morning saying sorry he was at his buddies camp. I didn’t reply, why would I?

Saturday night, 2:37am rolls around I’m just settling down after a mad night out.



G: So, you only text me when your drunk

You. Are. Kidding. Me.

Me: oh and you’re sober right now?
G: I wouldn’t drive but not drunk that’s for sure
Me: well I wasn’t exactly drunk when I wrote you that fb msg maybe you should start by replying to that
G: yeah I read it I mean I don’t know what to say im a dick you have every right to be mad
Me: well then why are you so concerned?
G: I don’t know you’re a nice girl you don’t deserve what I did

I’ve been ghosting it around my house lately. I constantly find myself with this look on my face: brow furrowed, eye brows turned up in the middle, and a frown where my smile should be. I sigh often, I mope around, I reread twilight, I say I’m fine when my mom asks me what’s wrong. I’m tired. I’m….exhausted.

I’m sitting here and all I want to do is msg him.

Do you still want to talk to me?

It’s got to be the lamest phrase ever..anythinged. I feel like I need to be this strong person, cuz I usually am. I feel like that’s what people expect of me. I feel like I’m such a loser, so pathetic, because all I want is for him to talk to me, to say he’s sorry and to fall asleep with his arms around me again. I feel like my friends think I’m pathetic for not being able to delete/block/de-friend/ignore him. I feel like I can’t mention it anymore without getting this “look”. I know that look, I know those emotions. I was that person. I remember feeding the same advice to other girlfriends. When did I pull such a 180’ ? I can barely do a cartwheel…

Do I try to box these…emotions, if that’s what they are? Save it for home, when I’m alone and protected by my sheets. Where I can watch 5 episodes of that DVD box set in a row. Where my cat never judges how many popsicles I consume. Where I can read New Moon out loud while crying and scream at Bella for breaking poor Jacobs heart.

I stare at my work computer, listening on repeat to “Love The Way You Lie”. Thanks for the timely theme song Eminem.

Ragingly. Pathetic. I feel it, I know it, I breathe it, and I still can’t help it. I can’t swim, or drink, or eat or think it away. How do I get out. Are we ever really out.

La Douleur Exquise!

As intolerable and annoying as my weekend began (thanks to a certain someone who couldn’t plan a decent crap to come out of his ass let alone camping trip), it turned out to be one of my favorite of the summer so far. I gleefully took Friday off of work to bring my long weekend (thank you New Brunswick Day) up to a solid 4 days. After ½ day wasted spent searching for campsites (fail) my papa suggested I ask his dad if I could set up tent by his RV on the Naswaak River. Well by golly did I ever.

But before I get to that, let me just say thank the world for this person. It is really, really great to have someone you can count on through thick and thin: Who will always listen to your pathetic tales of woe and not make you feel worse, who will be glad to throw you a pity party complete with male strippers and nintendo, who will be by your side if you ever feel the need to creep on a certain boys fb page, who will paddle upstream to rescue you when you’re stranded in a kayak and you’ve lost your paddle, and who will help you eat that pint of Ben & Jerrys (Actually that shits expensive. More like “…help you eat that mcdonalds cone..”).

*Thanks to all the ladies in my life near and far who fit this. Love love love you all.

Friday the day was spent at our favorite 1800's hangout, King's Landing! Whit and I spent the day making our way through the quaint little town. We both decided that we'd like to have been born in the past but that Whitney would marry extremely rich so that she'd never have to lift a finger and that I would likely be married to the town's store keeper and possibly own an apothecary. I took pictures of everything and the "townsfolk" just loved us! (Probably because we were neither 6 nor 75 yrs old, which seemed to be the going age for every other tourist visiting.) We had fun taking in the history, drinking in the pub (Well...drinking water. It was hot!!) and stalking the mysteriously sexy horse cart driver.

O Great Map Reader

Just call me the horse whisperer.

Holla!

Saturday was camping time! Not only did my brand new "popupable" (please see video link below) tent from Canadian Tire kick some serious ass, but my extreme camping mess turned into a beaaautiful butterfly: a surprise 2-(wo)man kayaking adventure and extremely entertaining hang out with my Grampie by the campfire. Grampie Fraser hang out time = surprisingly really fun.

Grampie and some RV action.

ALMIGHTY TENT.

Badass Golfcart.

CHEEEESE.

The Yaks.

Prob the one and only decent pic of us together. Kayaking + rapids + Vex = bad photo ops.

*I did make my own video demonstrating the awesome power of the tent, but this one is so so much better. (BTW it is totally real. I can assemble and dissemble the thing in 30 seconds flat. Pure magic. Eat that Harry Potter! Tentimus Maximus!!!)

When I finally got home Sunday I completely passed out. Woke up around dinner time with flip flops still on and dried drool on my chin. (nummmy)

Monday aka New Brunswick Day, me and the fascha took a trip to the US of A on our motorcycles. It was the most beautiful day and it was fun hanging out with my dad. We drove about 600km total and stopped about 10 times. He said we could never go anywhere for a purpose because at my stoppage rate it would take us 3 weeks to arrive.

The bikes <3

It's in the family.

Big smiles!

"How to eat my giant sandwich? Is so big!"

And mine. MONSTER CLUB.

Rest Stop in Houlton, Maine.

Today I am back at work, working hard to get everything done in time for me to leave (just 4 more weeks EEK!) And yeah, things are still complicated with what’s his name. Honestly, I don’t think I know how to function around him properly. And I don't think, in four weeks especially, I ever will. Like, the fact that I’m trying to act normal around him and treat him like I would everyone else at work is just making me act weirder towards him. I’ll never get used to the idea he’s not someone I should be treating special. It’s crazy, but I still have feelings for him and that glimmer of hope that he feels something for me forever lingers. I am totally buggered. So, depending on my mood, I find myself seesawing between writing him soppy I-miss-you emails and standoffishly ignoring him when I bump into him in the cafeteria. What must he think of me? (NUTS, BONKERS, GOOBER…) I just wanted to say goober. Can matters of the heart ever just be civilized. Stupid primal instincts/irrational hormones.

To the left, to the left.

Carry Bradshaw, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Did I ever really love Big Colin or was I addicted to the pain? The exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable.

Let’s end with a summer list update…


TYLER’S FREAKIN’ FANTASTIC LIST OF STUFF TO DO BEFORE SUMMERS OVA 2010 EDITION:

1. Return for the 16th time to Magic Mountain Water Park in Moncton, NB.
2. Swim in the ocean.
3. Spend a weekend by myself at my camp in Boistown, NB.
4. Invite good people to stay at my camp with me for a weekend. (This weekend!)
5. Go tenting somewhere…anywhere!
6. Go on a road trip.
7. Get my swim stroke back. (Progressing)
8. Wear my hair naturally as much as possible. (Unleash the curl!)
9. Get a natural tan. (failing at the face, but the rest of the bod is coming along nicely)
10. Wear less face make up.
11. Feel beautiful again with no make up. (when I lose 10lbs...)
12. Be a passenger in a motorboat. (Does "driver" of a kayak count?)
13. Try fishing. (I saw a fish)
14. Go hiking in Fundy.
15. Motorbike the Cabot trail in Nova Scotia with my papa. (Did go 600km! down through Maine)
16. Eat a lobster, for the first time!
17. Figure out how to get rid of stinky feet and shoes.
18. Read 4 new books (Help me out people! I’m a terrible repeat offender…need some new material)
19. Host a potluck.
20. Slowly grow out the layers in my hair until I have a long, natural blunt cut. (slowest. process. ever.)
21. Get really dirty at least once.
22. Go for a midnight swim at Kilarny Lake. (this may be problematic as it's getting really cold out at night now)
23. Surround myself with people I love, are supportive and truly care about me. (so far so good)
24. Bake a quiche.
25. Fall in love with someone worthwhile. (pff, goood luck me)

Yupp. Guilty.

DANG DANG DANG. I am such an arse. What is the cardinal rule of a 20 something strong, independent woman? OK maybe not “cardinal” (is that word ever used for anything other then “the cardinal rule”? I don’t think so.), but significant enough I’d say.

Speak it with me girls!
DO NOT LET MEN CONTROL YOUR LIFE.

I am being so effed swept! Colin is crap in a million ways, but some days (like today) I cannot shake those stupid erratic feelings I have for him. Arrrrgggh. Damn you and how you look so good at work! Why do you have to wear your hair fancy and have a beard like you know I like? Why are you buying new clothes that make me compliment you! How do I find you so sexily intelligent at work and yet so dumb in your decisions elsewhere??

Since I arrived back from vacation in Edmonton, slowly but surely he has been making his way back into my nook. It began with just little things, easily dismissible.

But from short hellos and deep sidelong glances came full on conversations. As things built up I had to release by sending him an email professing all, again. This time, there was no avoidance; he was friendlier to me if anything and even recently told me how much he enjoyed reading it. So far, so good. But, brain kicking in for my own well being I locked myself up, chanting nightly “One more month, just one more month” in the mirror as affirmation.

Of course, we all know that when it comes to the opposite sex I play it strong but am in reality too stupid and a dreamer forgiving and understanding. Last week, I threw caution to the wind. I let myself have it: multiple amicable chats and a lunch date together in the caf. Friday went even further, he venturing to my desk several times and coming out of his comfort zone, touching his skin to mine in a very non coworker fashion. Yeah, I got lots of work done that day :|

Today is Tuesday. Day two of hell week as things have begun to plateau. The next step would be a “casual” encounter in Saint John, but that phenomenon is of the past and merely existent in my imagination these days. It’s only a matter of time before he realizes how close to that we’re getting, clams up and turns on me. Start the fucking proverbial countdown.

Despite all, we’re in a good place. I think. If only because we’ll be leaving each others lives in no less than 30 days. I am for this moment, happy. Dare I say it, enjoying myself. And I believe he is, too. Our behavior is, in its way, harmless. 30 days and it will be done. No harm, no foul. And life will go on. He will return solely to his gf and the home they are building together and all that entails. I will return to my city, my third year of university, a crazy class schedule and my presidency of Iota Beta Chi Sorority. Our lives will be separated by more then just 150km.

For all the foolishness, for everything that has happened, for the good times and the bad, I guess all I can do is hold my breath and take this thing one day at a time.









Day one.

Epic NON-fail :)

Good Monday morning everyone! El weekendo certainly did the trick in getting me back to Happytylerland. Thank god for those 2 day breaks.

Friday night me and my best lady shared our troubles while downing 2L of Vex Bananatini. 3 gals came in from Bathurst and 1 from SJ to join our lil party and we all headed downtown to the local skanky classy dance club, iRock. I haven’t been there in so long, it was wonderful to just go with the girls and dance our friggin ARSES off. Oh, and getting dragged into the corner by my Latino lover wasn’t too shabby either.

:O

I mean, I did not go into the co-ed bathroom with anyone.

And by Latino lover I mean this really hot guy (through my drunk gogs anyways) who was actually from Europe. I know this because he kindly reminded me every time I referred to him as “my Mexican” or “my Latino lover”. Silly boy, he should have known that would have no impact whatsoever on what I had already decided was his name. And no, I really did not go into the co-ed bathroom with him. He sure made me laugh!
We closed the place, went out to the Diplomat (the only sit down restaurant open 24hrs) and all fell asleep at the table.

Saturday was the ALL GIRL RIVER RUN that I’d been planning for about a month, and 9 of us gals spent 5 hours tubing gracefully down the beautiful Miramichi River.

Highlights:
RIP Ritz Crackers
Nicole slow motion flipping
Being tied to two fantastic ladies
Getting the burn of the century on my thighs
…oh wait

We finished off our perfect day with dinner on the patio of our favorite restaurant Dimitris, where we ate until we could no longer function.

Sunday I was planning on going into work. Except then I looked outside and it was 30 degrees and sunny. So I went to the beach instead, HA! Laying out, swimming, laying out, Frisbee, swimming, laying out, swimming, laying out.

It’s a tough life.

Oh haha, and this morning I had quite a laugh over this:

 hahahaha! and it's still making me laugh.


wishing good days to you all xo Tyler

fail

1 - Overslept this morning in SJ, missed 5 hours of regular work time aka $140 bucks.

2 - Had a parking ticket - $20 bucks.

3 - Instead of coming out and meeting me Gary decided to sleep.

Sigh. 
Deleted.

4 - Missed an important 9am meeting that I had set up. Lady was not happy.

5 - Was assured by a fellow carpooler Wednesday that Bill would not be coming to work Friday and therefore did not need a drive therefore I made arrangments and stayed overnight in SJ. Had this email when I got here today:

No one showed up at the car pool this morning; I waited until 6:05.

I will be on vacation until July 20^th, returning to work on July 21^st.

I will be prepared to drive on that day.

Regards,

Bill Chase 

Been trying to call him all day, no answer. And I feel childish sending him an email that says "Murray told me you weren't going! It's not my fault! Sorry!!!!"

6 - Colin invited me through fb to "Housewarming/Colleen's birthday". He only invited two of us from work on fb. He did not invite his whole contact list, but 169 out of 219. Overall just makes me uneasy to think of them together and have it flashed in my face. EUGH. Also the event is happening now as I type. Began at 1pm this afternoon. I am not there, clearly.

7 - Busy, busy, busy, busy. I am too busy.

Need detox time. Need cleansing. Need organization. Need relaxation. Need vodka.

time on earth is changing

Summer's begun. Its +30 degrees and humid every day; it’s too hot for me and it’s grossing me out. Since I've been back from Edmonton, I've been feeling tired and crappy. I’ve begun swimming with my mother everyday. I really love swimming. It feels good to be moving my forgotten muscles. And it’s nice to spend time with my mom, but oh my god does she never shut up. Literally any conversation we have she’ll interrupt and turn it into an annoying pep talk: fat is the devil, and I should constantly be moving in the water because it burns calories and floating doesn’t burn calories, Tyler you shouldn’t be eating anything other than salad and chicken because everything else is just calories and that goes for dressing too, Tyler I don’t want you to drink anymore, Tyler I’m going to guilt you into staying here for 3 hours so you can lose weight, you’ll lose some of that flab if you come here everyday, see that girl Tyler, if you do this everyday you can have a figure like her, etc etc.

It’d be worth it to lose a few pounds just to get her off my back. Thing is she’ll never stop. Even if I lost 100 lbs she would say “now if you could just lose that chub off your tummy…”

Work has become this bleak place. It used to holster something magical, unreachable, a fleeting beauty. And now it’s finally dissipated. Let’s Doctor Who metaphor this:

I’m Rose Tyler and I had a perfectly happy life before the Doctor came along. Then he swept me away into his world of adventure, time travel and infinite possibility and life became that much brighter because he was in it. Well, he’s just dropped me off back at home in London, returning me to my old, now dull-in-comparison life.

I’m really ready to move on from that place, get back into school and trudge forward into whatever’s next.


Short guy update: Gary’s msging has over the past 2 months become more and more frustrating. He used to be cute and endearing when he’d tick me off, now he just makes me feel bad. Therefore I’ve jumped off the train. Deleted (or at least name changed to Being A Loserface) from my phone. I’m not expecting anything more from him in the near future. Maybe I should have put more effort into seeing him. Or maybe I should just quit it while I’m in such a state of melancholy either way.

Anyone wanna pity party with me? I’ll bring the Ben & Jerry’s, you bring the chick flick and snuggies.

I guess it wouldn’t be right to say nothing about Eclipse, after all Twilight’s never done me wrong. So, YES I saw Eclipse. TWICE. :) And I wouldn’t mind seeing it a few more times (thank you 5.99 movies on Tuesdays, Empire Theatre). Finally, the chemistry between Bella and Edward is believable. I’m Team Jacob and therefore don’t even want them to be together, but I couldn’t help but love them in this movie. Of course, I loved Jake too. In fact I thought he was the best. His acting has improved 10 fold. Favorite scenes (SPOILER ALERT): When Jake gets hurt at the end and is lying on the ground silent screaming; when he screams later in the house when Carlisle is re-breaking his bones. (Pretty sure I was tidal wave crying at this point); when he turns around because Bella asks him to kiss her, the LOOK on his face; and finally the Bella and Edward ending. I was so happy for them I was crying tears of joy and laughing out loud as the credits rolled and Metric played from the speakers. I KNOW I AM A BIG LOSER AND I DON’T CARE. THIS SHIT MAKES ME HAPPY THEREFORE I EMBRACE IT! Lol. That is all. PS I’m totally in love with a fictional character.

Seriously, I have this overwhelming desire to man hunt a guy who looks like Jacob, will protect me like him, is tough and manly and is ruggedly good looking yet caring, sensitive and wants me to be happy. Does this man exist? Cuz I’ll pay money.



In an attempt to cheer myself up I’m posting one of those “List of Summer Goals”. Most people have been writing these up and they seem fairly happy, so what can it hurt?

So with no further adieu and in no particular order…



TYLER’S FREAKIN’ FANTASTIC LIST OF STUFF TO DO BEFORE SUMMERS OVA 2010 EDITION:

1. Return for the 16th time to Magic Mountain Water Park in Moncton, NB.
2. Swim in the ocean.
3. Spend a weekend by myself at my camp in Boistown, NB.
4. Invite good people to stay at my camp with me for a weekend.
5. Go tenting somewhere…anywhere!
6. Go on a road trip.
7. Get my swim stroke back.
8. Wear my hair naturally as much as possible. (Unleash the curl!)
9. Get a natural tan.
10. Wear less face make up.
11. Feel beautiful again with no make up.
12. Be a passenger in a motorboat.
13. Try fishing.
14. Go hiking in Fundy.
15. Motorbike the Cabot trail in Nova Scotia with my papa.
16. Eat a lobster, for the first time!
17. Figure out how to get rid of stinky feet and shoes.
18. Read 4 new books (Help me out people! I’m a terrible repeat offender…need some new material)
19. Host a potluck.
20. Slowly grow out the layers in my hair until I have a long, natural blunt cut.
21. Get really dirty at least once.
22. Go for a midnight swim at Kilarny Lake.
23. Surround myself with people I love, are supportive and truly care about me.
24. Bake a quiche.
25. Fall in love with someone worthwhile.


Ciao Amigos. Xo.