Monday, May 16, 2011

For What It's Worth

Work kills me. Bottom line. Sometimes in a good way. Sometimes in a bad way. When it’s good, I work so hard but it feels good and I enjoy it. When it’s bad I am still working so hard except it doesn’t feel good.

It feels frustrating and pointless! It makes me feel so stupid and question if this is the right career path for me and whether or not I can actually do it or will I just fail. I have visions of my boss saying “You don’t got the stuff, kid.”, and it is terrifying.

Then the really awful part is you want to do better but you can’t even function properly because you’re muscles have all tightened up and your worried face is stuck there and you get shaky and headachy and just think IT’S POINTLESS! I CAN’T DO IT! Side note: Plus of working at Lepreau, there were lots of woodsy walking paths I could take off on without anyone questioning me and have an all-around good emotion vent. Or, in case of serious emergency, I could call up my sister and get talked off the ridiculous ledge that I’d strayed to.

Sometimes I think I should have done something different. My mom told me once that one of her biggest regrets was that she didn’t get to do her ‘dream job’. Funnily enough, the career path she divulged to me that day that she’d always wanted to pursue, unknowing to her answer, is also my dream job: An archeologist. An anthropologist. Whatever you want to call it. I picture myself, as she did, as someone to go out on adventures finding things, traveling to far off places, exploring the past and history and culture and using my hands as well as my head. Wearing cut off khakis and loose button up shirts and bucket hats and constantly meeting new people.
Sometimes I think, if I work in the industry for a few years, I can make some money. You know everyone thinks engineers have such a fantastic salary. They really don’t. A base engineering job will probably get you in the high $50,000 a year. Maybe $58,000 if you’re lucky. And I know that’s nothing to snub at either but still it’s not that high.
I just don’t know. I think someday soon I will jettison off and go exploring in Egypt or someplace. 1 more year of school left and I still feel like I don’t know anything. Who would hire me? Would I hire me? When there are so many more kids out there who are sickeningly BRILLIANT while I am merely mediocre.

Is there such a thing as a quarter-life crisis?
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. (insert screaming face of choice here.)

(Later that day…)
I think I just had a slight panic attack. But I am better now. Spoken in a British accent ala Everafter (I fell off a ladder in the orchard, but I am better now)
Only 30 more minutes of work which I plan on completely squandering here, on twitter, talking out loud to myself, texting and most importantly eating stale licorice. Schedule for tonight: get home from work. eat. make tomorrows lunch. go to gym. get ass kicked. shower. go to bed. wake up. repeat til insane.

THANK GOD FOR LONG WEEKENDS. Let’s all cross our fingers that the Rapture is not going to happen on Saturday, but if it does I will likely be snuggled next to the people I LOVE cuz I’m going home for 4 days. YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY! I miss all my girly friends, my boyish friends, my kitties and my parents so much! I’m definitely a little homesick. And I miss my house. And my backyard. And my neighborhood. And my BED.

I watched Benny and Joon last night. Young Johnny Depp is hot. And spry.


Robyn M. said...

SCARY WEBSITE! Plus they are wrong cause this weekend is going to be wicked fo sho..

I think you are super smart!!And if quarter life crisis exist I've been having one for about a year now haha.. But seriously its hard to figure out what you want to do FOREVER. Good thing is you can always change your mind :)


in case this helps: dropping cooking school was probably the hardest thing I've had to do so far in my life but I am so glad I did! There's nothing wrong with changing paths.
having said that, I think everyone sometimes worry that they're not going on the right career path, etc. hating your job once in a while doesn't mean that you're not meant to be an engineer.
and there's a reason why to become an engineer you have to be an EIT (engineer in training) for five years. they shouldn't expect you to know everything after you graduate, they know you'll learn it on the job.
I hope this helps!

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