Dealbreakers

"What r u up to?"

"Playing black ops 2 lmao"

"And I hate short type"

"FYI"

"Okay"

"The "r" and "u" drive me god damn nutty"

"Yeah.."

Let me just relate those comments to the stick up your ass. You know what I hate? ASSHOLES.

hey

how are u?

hey

how are u?

hey woman!

what's shaking?

?

we need to hang before christmas comes around!

hi?

hope i'm not pestering u lol, just trying to get in touch!

....?

u ok?

helo

hey how's it going?

hello there....!

how's work been?

we need to hang out!

hey you

hi...

hey how's it going?

you're on holidays so u have to reply lol

hey merry christmas

merry christmas!

finally a reply!

haha how's it going?

?

hey

how goes it?

hey how's it going?

hi?

/hey hows it going

?

hi

hey how's it going?

how's volleyball?

hi

hey babe

hey u never reply to me 

hi

hello..

hi

how are you?

going to church? 

hey you

hello

:| SERIOUSLY

Sonnet 116

Love and caring ruins you. This fact - it is liberating. To do what feels good. Drinking. Feeding. Sex. Crazy. Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right.


TAYLOR SWIFT YOU ARE SPEAKING TO MY SOUL.

Once again I am finding myself in this situation. This is me, my issue. It has to be. Where it came from, that I do not know. I have once more put myself into a situation where I am 'in love' with someone unattainable.

How to fix this: no idea. There is no possibility of removing this person from my life. And I see them in an everyday sort of capacity. The tried and true method of "Grow up and get the Fuck over it" comes to mind.

Ya. Ya this one I'm gonna do.

So - Currently Focusing:

On not thinking about this person.
About being happier with me.
About future plans and the awesomeness of them.
About possibilities for the future.

I do love this person - and that is beautiful. But it's not going to happen - and that is reality.

Weight Loss: Update

This past September I decided I felt too uncomfortable at my current weight and began a routine to help me get healthier. I haven't updated much about this, I guess I thought I was jinxing myself every time I wanted to write about it. But here I am - it's February and I have lost 50lbs.

Thas right. FITTAY.

At the beginning of September I weighed 343lbs. Today I hover around 293. I actually attained this early December, but gained about 10-15lbs over my 3 week Christmas break - during which I ate a turkey dinner ever day I do believe.

I've finally got back to where I was and am happy. But for the past few weeks have stayed at the same weight and so I'm ready to get back into my original routine.

I play volleyball 3 times a week and recently have taken up cross country and downhill skiing. This however I do not attribute to my weight loss. When I began I was playing volleyball merely once a week.

June 2012

August 2012

October 2012

December 2012

And at the end of January 2013

Just looking at these pictures now sort of baffles me. I plan on doing a post detailing exactly what I did. I could explain it here, but then this post would be a novel.


So here is me posting this, finally. I'm trying to feel brave and just get it out there. I still have a long ways to go but I am happy...er.

Life Mantras

Today I had a conversation with someone. This is what he said to me: “Be. Do. Have. Some people think that in order to Be happy they need to Do or Have something. But you need to realize that to Be, must come first. Once you realize that it is in your power to Be happy or Be strong or Be feisty, whatever it is you might be searching for, then whatever you Do or Have will mean so much more and be that much better.”

We live everyday wanting, needing, searching : Comfort, food, sex, shelter. We are only human and what else can be expected. Most days I live in the attempt to be validated by others. I want to look the skinniest and the prettiest and be adored and have attention. Do I feel good enough? Good enough to have earned these things? Some days. Why do we become these people who allow our emotions to be controlled by the behavior of others when that is the one thing we do not possess the power to control. We should be concerned with our selves. Am I happy? With myself? Today? Learning to be satisfied and love yourself for who you are and what you can do, this has been taught to us our entire lives. So why can’t we seem to get it?

I never really realized but this is one of my biggest struggles. If I could just be happy with myself and who I am, be satisfied with what I have and what I can do. I often feel down in the dumps over silly things like boy troubles and overeating. I’m really going to try to think positively about myself and the situations I encounter from now on and see what happens. Yes I will still be extremely sarcastic, blunt and at times bitchy – but this is part of who I am and I have people who love me for who I am. I can also be very caring and thoughtful, helpful and supportive. I am lots of things and the #1 thing I am good at is being myself. So why is that not enough and why am I so concerned with changing?

Edmonton, it’s slippery.

I am a newcomer to the fine city of Edmonton and this is my very first winter. It seems I do not have the same instincts born to those from here.  Also being clumsy as fuck does not help.

The roads/sidewalks/every surface ever outdoors that you put your feet down on, is slippery. Pure ice slippery! And when it snows, it gets worse! Because then there is a layer of snow hiding the sneaky ice patches. SOMEHOW I have managed not to fall..oh wait as I say this I AM REMEMBERING THE ONE TIME I DID FALL. I was drunk coming home from the bar with my sister (oh that sounds good) and I was striding along like nobodies business and I hit a 2 metre patch and just went down. It didn’t hurt I remember I was laughing and then a stranger asked if I was ok and offered me a handful of bouncy balls. A HANDFUL! I took two.

Other then that, I have not yet fallen this winter. YET. Yet. As I’m saying this I am jinxing myself. I have seen about 5 people go down though. This is what I have learned: when you cross a road, that is the slipperiest. Don’t speed walk. Take your time cuz if you are like SHIT the little hand is flashing at me! And start running, YOU WILL SURELY FALL. And it will be in front of at least 5 cars.

Beware of snow on top of hidden ice. That shit will slide right out from under your feet! And then you will be on your butt.

Wear good shoes. If you wear Payless “uggs”, you will likely fall! (Yeah, that is what I wear)

Don’t NOT look where you are going. This morning I almost lost it because I was distracted, you know, putting on my hat because it was -26 and I didn’t see the giant frozen spot I was stomping on and I did the whole WHOOOAAA thing where one foot goes up in the air and your hands fly up and your hand bag comes off your arm. BUT, I did not fall.

YA!

Until tomorrow when I break my collar bone or some such.

I am ranting about

OKAY – Does anyone else get extremely irritated when they are “shushed” by someone?  This has to be one of my greatest pet peeves.  And I mean greatest.  Right up there with people who stand too close to you in the lineup at the grocery store.  I think even worse actually.  Let’s just say that I think I can pinpoint every person that has ever done it to me in the span of my memory.  And for all you people who shushed me when I was a baby, well you’re getting off easy.

First of all, realize that it is rude.  Realize you just sound like an asshole like someone who thinks they are so much better, more mature, more appropriate.  No, I take it back. You do sound like an asshole. ‘Uptight’ is probably the nicest description I can give.

Second, it is a huge buzzkill for someone who is excited or enthusiastic about something. Basically it’s like, sorry you aren’t allowed to be that pumped up about something. In this society, you must snap instead of clap and fight only using your eyes. Why would you ever want to stomp on someone like that? I love getting excited about things. I wish more things made me that excited!

Thirdly, just don’t do it. It is the worst.  Polite “shushing” is ok and definitely sometimes necessary, but it is a fine, fine line doing it nicely and doing it in a condescending way. If you’ve ever “shhh’d” someone in your life, think about it.  And check yo self.

The reason why I am writing about this is because it happened to me today, and it was someone who I consider a good friend who did it to me, and do I ever currently want to punch them in the face. We were out to lunch and I am a loud person (I will be the first to vouch to that) but we were at a pub where there is no issue ever with speaking volume, and I was actually talking quite normally at the time. What does my friend lean in and say to me? He says: “Tyler, why are you yelling?” And not in a polite, quiet, joking, only to me kind of way.  It was in a rude and snotty, snide remark way.

Really.

REALLY.

So there I am feeling like an ass hat since I was apparently talking too loudly and now I can't remember what I was even saying because I have been dwindled down to a small child getting told off by their parents. OH wait, you're not my dad. Fuck you! You ruined my lunch and thinking about it now is still pissing me off. 

*PS when I type in caps, then I'm yelling.

How to make real friends after a certain point in life

Okay - this is something that I have been going through ever since I moved away from my hometown of 23 years. HOW, I ask you, How do you make honest to gosh friends?

I don`t mean acquaintances. I don`t mean, we talk about getting together but we never do friends. I mean too-legit-to-quit friends. People in your life who you come to depend on, and who come to depend on you. After a big life change like a move to a new province (my case) or graduating from University (also my case), how do you do it??

There`s something about those people you meet in university or high school, when you guard is down and you want nothing more than to enjoy the freedom of your youth and the company of everyone, that allows you to bond with certain folks. This is where I met my most precious friends. All of them. Excluding those related to me, of course. And here I am now in a work force situation, where some of the ingredients to making lasting friends exist but to get there you just end up running into so many obstacles it seems impossible!

For me, most everyone I work with is a man. There is a ratio of about 7 women to 30 men in my department. And then factoring in ages there are 3 other women close to me. Factoring in other things like married life, there is 1. Factoring in bff compatibility, there are 0. So naturally I turn to my male co-workers who are relatively close to, if not, my age. And this is great! I love these guys and we get along so well. But try to get them to do anything but go for drinks after work is like pulling mother fucking teeth.

Factor out those who are married, have kids, have extreme cultural differences or simply have girlfriends and are therefore unavailable to be the person who is your `movie-watching-alone-at-the-apartment` best buddy and you are basically left with no one. Like I said I love these guys, but with a true friend you are able and comfortable doing anything. And there is a mutual desire that exists. That you both need and want eachother to be this important person in your life.

Like, please read my mind here Whitney (one of my best friends) - Me to her: "I need a new dress...". Her reply: "We MUST go shopping immediately." This, this is so easy. Want to watch a movie with a boy? Let ALONE your favorite, the scary movie...Nope. They just think you like them. Or something to that fashion. It`s just difficult.

Gugh.

Then there is competitiveness in the job market. This really stops you from putting your true, sometimes vulnerable self out there. You don`t want your co-workers to know your flaws, or how much you actually hate this certain aspect of your daily work or about how you secretly have a huge crush on one of your other co-workers and you desperately want someone to talk about it with you. It is really hard to feel free enough to talk about these sort of things. The real things that make up who you are.

So how do we get over this hump? I find myself more and more converging to my old tried and true friends back home, which I will do forever and who are all wonderful and amazing.

BUT

Meanwhile, I am here 4000km away. Who is going to hug me here when I need a friend? Who is going to watch that scary movie with me? Who is going to listen to my crap? Who is going to text me at night and talk about what we did all day? I am still waiting for this. I am still looking. And it is hard. And sometimes it is very lonely.

This is my ongoing battle. To be continued...