Relationships

There is no black and white. There is no constant. People change all the time. Something triggers deep down and there’s a shift. Hormones decreasing or chemical signals accelerating. It isn’t tangible or predictable. But it happens, and it happens all the time. You can’t blame it, because there is nothing that could have been done to stop it. There’s no one to put blame to.

Can we really believe there is this “one true love” that exists out there? We are supposed to find them…it’s the ultimate goal, right? So, what about the guy/girl you are with now. Are they the one. Can you tell? Is there a feeling inside? If it’s there, will it last? If it’s not, will it come. Would you bet your life on it? What then. What if you know they’re not but you cling to them none the less? Perhaps you are their one, and you merely treat them as a stepping stone. Is it therefore wrong to continue to be with them? To prolong the inevitable, because really you’ve already subconsciously decided. Should the other be content with what portion they have, or will it all inexorably end in chaos on both sides.

And then, what if you and the other party both know you will never be more than you are right now, which could be barely anything but what it is, is something. Do you continue for the sake of continuing regardless of the fact that the ultimate goal will never be achieved and that this might in fact be impeding such an occurrence.

How many is too many. Where do we draw that moral line?

Is it worth it to remain in limbo. Is it worth the short good and the predictable bad. Those who aren’t getting what we all know they deserve, because everyone knows you deserves the best.  Isn’t that what we all tell each other?

You could do better.

Don’t settle for anything less.

He’s not the one for you.

The truth is, there is no line. We’re all utterly selfish and self fulfilling, even if we don’t realize it. We all want that something to cling to, to have, to give us what we need. Sometimes it hurts us and sometimes we hurt it. Regardless, it remains. That want. That need. To have. And  to what end?

What is it more self damaging? To persist in a relationship with such bleak potential or to remain alone until the day arrives….if it arrives at all.

I talk to Gary, we talk. Sometimes I tell him to go away and sometimes I just want him to hold me and I don't know why. I don’t see this person. We don’t fit into each others lives. Yet here we are, closing in on a year since we first met. We’ve seen each other merely 3 times. We don’t fit. Why are we still talking? I don’t really like him, do I? I don’t see him. I don’t know him. You can’t know someone through a phone. Then why does it go on. It’s fruitless and sometimes it hurts for no reason at all. But it continues. For both of us. We cling. We’re clinging. But is it wrong? And if it’s not then why is it making me think like this? Why is my brow furrowed.

“These are the things we want. Simple things. Comfort, sex, shelter, food. We always want them and we want them all the time. The id doesn't learn; it doesn't grow up. It has the ego telling it what it can't have and it has the superego telling it what it should want. But the id works solely out of the pleasure principle. It wants. Whatever social skills you've learned, however much we've evolved, the pleasure principal is at work in all of us. So, how does this conflict with the ego manifest itself in the psyche? What do we do when we can't have what we want?” -BTVS

So there are different. There are many. Here's a few.
The...
'I luv you' lover
'I love you' lover
'I LOVE YOU' lover
'I love you more than you love me' lover
'you love me more than I'll ever love you' lover
'I can't love you' lover
'I can't stand you' lover
'circumstance' lover
'rebound' lover
'jealous' lover
'great sex' lover
'cheating' lover
'expected' lover
'wounded' lover
'settling' lover                                (check)

it's looking to be about that time again....

aaaaaand this is what I do while I'm studying to keep sane

I'm sitting at school in a delightfully empty computer lab reading over and making notes concerning my upcoming midterm this Monday. I didn't get to go to the kegger (sad face) due to an overrunning CMPE lab last night which I didn't get home from until about 7:30pm, and which effectively turned my brain into mush. So emotionally stunted and drained I opted for a little R&R, watching a few eps of Dead Like Me, eating some smart pop and reeces and reading American Psycho in the bathtub. Looking forward to next weekend, where I will make my own kegger god dammit.

For those of you wondering, the colin issue has been dismissed. After thinking long and hard I decided that bothering to be facebook friends with him was not really something I wanted, or would benefit me. But being curious about his intentions I instead sent him a casual msg reading: "Sup? I see I was defriended, again huh" Thinking I would get some form of reply along the lines of "yea colleens nuts" or "i'm coming to fredericton this weekend", something to explain his sudden interest. I instead get no reply and mysteriously the friend request disappears. Can friend requests be revoked by those who make them? Curiouser and curiouser I check his account seeing that the msg I'd sent had been deleted and the friend request was there no more, meaning either he changed his mind (completely possible), or else his gf (who also knows his fb password) signed his account up to her Blackberry (which would explain why he had that on his profile news feed even tho he doesn't own a blackberry) and the msg infact went directly to her phone instead where she proceeded to delete the friend request. Either way, I'm a free bird and that was the longest run on sentence ever. Ha! I am relieved. Let's all cross our fingers that well enough is left alone.

Halloween is coming! Need costume ideas...

Girl Scout?
Bank robber?
Greek Goddess?
Sheep.....?

Just a few of the ideas I'm tossing around right now. For some reason I'm leaning toward bank robber. I really want to run around with a stuffed burlap sack with a dollar sign on it. It's hilarious to me I don't know why, but it feels right.

If I were a boy I would dress up as Vincent Price. I just watched House on Haunted Hill. Not gonna lie, I was kinda scared.

Also I feel the need for some pumpkin carving and leaf pile diving!!!!



I fucking love Fall.

and just when things were looking...different

bollocks bollocks bollocks.

today began as a normal lovely fall day. went to school, met up with some friends to work on an assignment (THAT'S RIGHT! I am making friends at school again.

SIDENOTE: sometime around second year I started rebelling against my fellow engineering classmates. decided i hated everyone and they were all annoying losers. kind of a bitch? yea, sort of. I would choose to sit by myself with headphones and a book rather then make "forced" small talk. I don't really understand it now but apparently 16 months away working did me some good, cuz now you can't get me to shut up

One of the girls invited me to go to GEEKCHIC BOUTIQUE downtown with her cuz I'd never been, and we ended up going out to lunch at Dimitris (YUM!) and getting ice cream. we also hit the comic book store (beware of incoming nerdom) and i bought some new buffy books....umm quickly moving on, i saw a purdy lady at dimis :) Shout out to Mfizzle.

And I've been talked into going to my first EVER Electrical/Computer Engineering Kegger party...oooo I'm apprehensive! But kinda super excited to get slammed with my newly appreciated peers.

anywho, just a short, tiny recap there, what was i here for again?

oh ya. that.



caaaan anybody guess? ok. TWO guesses.

it has to do with a certain someone.

a certain someone who lives in saint john.

a certain someone who i thought out of my life for good.

a certain someone who i'd come to terms with having out of my life for good.

a certain someone who i'd already had my closure with.




yupp. you've guessed it. i got a facebook. friend request. from colin.

it popped up on my little innocent iPod screen as me and Tanya were in the parking lot. i heard the little 'bing', it just happened to be in my hand, and there it was, one friend request a la Colin Andrew Boyd. it actually stopped me in my tracks to the point where Tanya asked if I was ok. it was horrible, my stomach just completely sunk.

Tanya offered to steal my Pod right then and there and delete the request for me... but I said no. and now it's just sitting there all, requesty.

it's not the fact that he had the gall to re-add me.
it's not the fact that he deleted me just a few short weeks ago.
it's not the fact that it's been almost 50 days since our last night together and he's thinking about me now.
it's not that he is still in a relationship.

no. none of that compares.

it's the fact that i wouldn't let Tanya delete the request that is the most worrisome.

bring on the kegger.

les aventures de tyler

NEW blog layout.

NEW bedroom.

NEW necklaces

& shoes

& headbands.

(keep a lookout for pictures)

Add new please!


<a href="http://everybodymusthaveafantasyeh.blogspot.com/"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4048/5076755158_563f74c108_m.jpg" /></a>

womp there it is

LISTEN TO THIS WHILE YOU READ. IT IS GOOD.

 

Well, it's been yet another lengthy stretch since my last decent blog. I know I said I would likely be blogging it up during my SJ visit last Friday....but I was pleasantly surprised when after his hockey game Gary asked to hang ten. Turned out to be a really good night :) Not only did I get to relax in my lovely friend Jojo's bachelor apt, but I got to eat TACO BELL, my favorite, twice in fact, for dinner Friday night and lunch Saturday....haven't felt right in the gut since but it was delicious and worth every bathroom minute AND watched Letters to Juliet and Get Him to the Greek AND hung out with ....and I say this tentatively... my....main man? Errr, good enough.

Worst moment of the trip (and possibly of life) I was watching tv in the am and I noticed that I hadn't seen or heard of Joanne's crazy cat in awhile. It wears this friggin loud bell on its collar and Jo's apartment is not that big, so I had searched the whole thing in about 30 seconds. No cat :| Getting frantic. I get dressed and start running the halls of the building wondering how and when the cat had escaped. I have not been that work up and upset in, I don't remember how long. Went back to the apt and searched again, running from room to room over and over in this sick and twisted loop of terror practically crying! Finally I check her office closet again. There's this giant stuffed bear in there and thinking that its not going to do any good I lift it up. And there, hidden underneath the effing bear, IN A BOX, was the stupid cat.

Minor heart attack had.

Still a busy with school! No one was lying when they told me third year was the hardest, faaaaalk.

Biggest issue right now: trying to put large .pdf files (books) on my iTouch so I can read them at school. That way I don't have to drag around another heavy book with me. Anyone have a good app for this? Tried GoodReader and it won't friggin work for my iTouch. Blasted iPhone aps only.



Does anyone have twitter???

HI! Do any of you guys have twitter? If so...I want to follow you! I just got it...http://twitter.com/tyler_fraser

Night in SJ tomorrow, will likely do a proper blog :)

<3

You're aliiiiive!

oh FUCK im losing followers

lol

Guess that's what you get when you don't blog for 4 weeks...


THANKS FOR STICKING WITH ME others! So many things have changed, gone on, started, finished(?). My brain is all Aaaaaaaaahhh. Oh and now my cell phones dying. WELL ISN'T THAT JUST GREAT. Haha, phew....I'm ok, I swear.

I've been....busy.

Things at work are still wrapping up, doing some continued work for them still. It's AWESOME. Really. It's smart people stuff! Makes me feel S-M-R-T working alongside two Dr's in Electrical Engineering.

University is back in session and I am back with it! No more fulltime working gal for me. 16 month contracts up and so here I am bouncing around campus with a new sense of determination to succeed, some sharp looking eyewear and an armful of books.

The sorority I am President of, Iota Beta Chi, is also back in full swing. Pretty much every day I've been committing myself to one event or the other. September's recruitment month and that means a busy time for us gals :)

Aaaaand this year I have been asked to enter a volleyball team (of my very own!) into the cities +19 Co-ed indoor volleyball league!  YEY! So for the last few weeks I've been getting a team together (I named us 'Sets On The Beach'....HAHAHA I crack myself up....) and first game is this Sunday. I could not be more excited WOOO. Love volleyball.

Boys have been kind of put on the back burner for me with everything else that's going on. I haven't had any contact with Colin, and I am really really ok with that. I think the closure thing was really needed and now it's like, back to reality. And sanity. Haha, gaaawd there are so many things that have happened in the past few weeks, I think only photographs will be able to tell all those stories...

Jojo and Ash

Tpain and the Robler

Shout out to Robyn, Joanne and Ashley, MISS YOU ALREADY COME VISIT AGAIN.
Like, now.

OH and I "renovated" my room, before and after pics to come.