Thursday, February 21, 2013


"What r u up to?"

"Playing black ops 2 lmao"

"And I hate short type"



"The "r" and "u" drive me god damn nutty"


Let me just relate those comments to the stick up your ass. You know what I hate? ASSHOLES.

how are u?
how are u?
hey woman!
what's shaking?
we need to hang before christmas comes around!
hope i'm not pestering u lol, just trying to get in touch!
u ok?
hey how's it going?
hello there....!
how's work been?
we need to hang out!
hey you
hey how's it going?
you're on holidays so u have to reply lol
hey merry christmas
merry christmas!
finally a reply!
haha how's it going?
how goes it?
hey how's it going?
/hey hows it going
hey how's it going?
how's volleyball?
hey babe
hey u never reply to me 
how are you?
going to church? 
hey you


Sunday, February 17, 2013

Sonnet 116

Love and caring ruins you. This fact - it is liberating. To do what feels good. Drinking. Feeding. Sex. Crazy. Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right.


Once again I am finding myself in this situation. This is me, my issue. It has to be. Where it came from, that I do not know. I have once more put myself into a situation where I am 'in love' with someone unattainable.

How to fix this: no idea. There is no possibility of removing this person from my life. And I see them in an everyday sort of capacity. The tried and true method of "Grow up and get the Fuck over it" comes to mind.

Ya. Ya this one I'm gonna do.

So - Currently Focusing:

On not thinking about this person.
About being happier with me.
About future plans and the awesomeness of them.
About possibilities for the future.

I do love this person - and that is beautiful. But it's not going to happen - and that is reality.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Weight Loss: Update

This past September I decided I felt too uncomfortable at my current weight and began a routine to help me get healthier. I haven't updated much about this, I guess I thought I was jinxing myself every time I wanted to write about it. But here I am - it's February and I have lost 50lbs.

Thas right. FITTAY.

At the beginning of September I weighed 343lbs. Today I hover around 293. I actually attained this early December, but gained about 10-15lbs over my 3 week Christmas break - during which I ate a turkey dinner ever day I do believe.

I've finally got back to where I was and am happy. But for the past few weeks have stayed at the same weight and so I'm ready to get back into my original routine.

I play volleyball 3 times a week and recently have taken up cross country and downhill skiing. This however I do not attribute to my weight loss. When I began I was playing volleyball merely once a week.

June 2012

August 2012

October 2012

December 2012

And at the end of January 2013

Just looking at these pictures now sort of baffles me. I plan on doing a post detailing exactly what I did. I could explain it here, but then this post would be a novel.

So here is me posting this, finally. I'm trying to feel brave and just get it out there. I still have a long ways to go but I am

Friday, February 1, 2013

Life Mantras

Today I had a conversation with someone. This is what he said to me: “Be. Do. Have. Some people think that in order to Be happy they need to Do or Have something. But you need to realize that to Be, must come first. Once you realize that it is in your power to Be happy or Be strong or Be feisty, whatever it is you might be searching for, then whatever you Do or Have will mean so much more and be that much better.”

We live everyday wanting, needing, searching : Comfort, food, sex, shelter. We are only human and what else can be expected. Most days I live in the attempt to be validated by others. I want to look the skinniest and the prettiest and be adored and have attention. Do I feel good enough? Good enough to have earned these things? Some days. Why do we become these people who allow our emotions to be controlled by the behavior of others when that is the one thing we do not possess the power to control. We should be concerned with our selves. Am I happy? With myself? Today? Learning to be satisfied and love yourself for who you are and what you can do, this has been taught to us our entire lives. So why can’t we seem to get it?

I never really realized but this is one of my biggest struggles. If I could just be happy with myself and who I am, be satisfied with what I have and what I can do. I often feel down in the dumps over silly things like boy troubles and overeating. I’m really going to try to think positively about myself and the situations I encounter from now on and see what happens. Yes I will still be extremely sarcastic, blunt and at times bitchy – but this is part of who I am and I have people who love me for who I am. I can also be very caring and thoughtful, helpful and supportive. I am lots of things and the #1 thing I am good at is being myself. So why is that not enough and why am I so concerned with changing?

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