Friday, May 21, 2010

thank GOD for long weekends

Ok. I am breathing. Breathing breathing breathinnnnnnng


Sigh. (Catches breath)

Had to get that out. Now allow me to explain.

I get to work this morning and immediately sign in on fb (obviously). 3rd from the top on my Home Page, directly in my unwilling line of sight:

Colin Boyd is now in a relationship <3 with StupidBlond.

Punch. To. Gut. Quickly followed by a tsunami wave of shame at being bothered by this at all. I mean it’s not like it’s a surprise or anything and it’s not as if we’ve been best buddies these past few weeks either. Minutes go by and I contemplate either giving him the facebook equivalent of the finger by clicking “Like” on the update, or permanently hiding him from my fb homepage. Going with maturity (and lameness) I choose the latter.

So that’s fine, I am easily moving forward from there, chit chatting with Evan which always gives me a little high for some reason. (Maybe cuz he despises Colin and just completely talks down about him. Good friend.) Day goes by. I get a nice lunch from the caf. I finish reading a great book. I come back.

The boys arrive.

15 minutes later, Colin saunters over and for some reason sits on the desk across from mine. Then he…wait for it…opens his mouth and actually starts up a casual conversation. With me. Yeah, this is the guy that has been avoiding me like the PLAGUE for the past three weeks. And now he’s back. Just like normal. Talking to me, asking me what my plans are for the long weekend (a subject which I keenly avoid with him, as a general rule), telling me how he’s got no plans and so on and so on.

First a punch in the gut, and NOW A SLAP IN THE FACE?! This is where the hysterics come in. WHAT IS THIS GUYS PROBLEM? He ignores me (and my inappropriate emails) for weeks and now, the day after he’s become fb official with the gf he decides it’s time to jump back on the flirt with Tyler train???

Nor does it stop there. He makes a point to come over two more times, the final going off on one of his “I am clearly smarter than you” speeches that he just looooooooves to speak at me. It is all I can do to not roll my eyes and start making possession noises.

Sidestepping him mid-speech I instead take the conversation to our mutual boss, who is much easier and nicer to talk to. 3 minutes later Colin follows me and tries to interrupt everything poor Dave is saying. Insert me, sitting between them, staring and talking only to Dave refusing to even make side eye contact with douchie magoo. (Who’s the child now. Not me, doo de doo.) Finally, Colin goes back to whatever he was doing and I bee line it for my desk.

Two minutes later Colin comes back over to me to apologize (WTF? WHERE IS THIS BEHAVIOR COMING FROM.) Then he begins yet another tactical conversation in effort to find out whether or not I will be going to SJ over the weekend. (I usually drive in a carpool and a dead giveaway that I will not be returning to Fredericton is if I drive myself. Hence my favorite of his strategies: “So, did you make the drive all by yourself today?”.) Which coincidentally is the one he tried next; to that I answered with a quizzical look bordering on disgusted (but not enough to make my face deformed).

Oh, le sigh.

Does it ever get easy?

Let’s end with a happy little week recap, shall we? I mowed my lawn Monday night and my throat felt scratchy. The next morning I woke up with a full on disgustingly sore throat and matching brown spit up! Yaaay! I was also tired, had a headache and a sore stomach but I figured it’s 4am. No one feel good at 4am. Unless their still drunk.
FYI there was no alcohol consumed through these events or before. First thing my mom says after I called her yesterday, “You were hung over, weren’t you.” Yes. You caught me mom, with my pants down, drunk on a Tuesday night.
Got to work and could not move. So sick had to go to the infirmary (yeah, we have an infirmary) and get put to sleep. Made it home, cancelled my plans to go see Robin Hood, went through the Mcdonalds drive thru, picked up some Tylenol, got the chills in the drug store, got home and got under the covers and stared at my mcdonalds. Moved to the bath tub where I proceeded to fill it with 100 degree celcius water. Napped there for as long as possible. Considered offing myself to dull the full body pain I was experiencing but decided the cats would die too if I wasn’t there to feed them, and what kind of mother would that make me? Teetered down to my bedroom without drying off, knocked the uneaten mcdonalds on the floor (where the cats promptly enjoyed it) and fell asleep. 12:30am I wake up and have to pee like a mother fucker. Get to the toilet. Let it fly. Then im washing my hands and suddenly heaving into the sink. And somehow my puke reflex is attached to my bladder, because standing there i manage to pee my pants. (I JUST FRIGGIN PEED! How…??) Well, nicely done Tyler. I get in the shower. Get out stumble back down to bed. Wake up covered in cold sweat and cant manage to fall back asleep so i head upstairs and try my mothers room. No dice. Try my fathers room (No they aren't separated, they're just too old to have sex, and dad snores.). BINGO! We have a winner. I wake up at about 5 am to find the sheets completely soaked and freezing with my sweat. Shower #2. Finally I end up in my bed again with pajamas on and pretty much spend my entire Wednesday there. (While peeing my pants I decided work wasn’t going to be a good place to go that day.) Also at some point I remember thinking I was in the emergency room and Evan was visiting me. Fever induced delusions…you’d think I could have come up with something more creative really.

24 hours straight of sleeping later and 2 work days still sweaty, less headachey, able to use brain sensibly...

Now, let’s get drunk.

No seriously.


WhitneyAlaina said...

this made my week...i know you sufferd for it.
but you made me laugh...a lot..

Robyn M. said...

BAHAHA... I love you!!! I've definetely been there with the vomiting/bladder realated issues..I believe they are connected haha.. AND Colin is a douchebag and always will be one..ALWAYS!

samboy said...

aww bless you, you sound like you've been so ill! I hope you're better now!

And I want to kick Colin in the head :) x

the cat whisperer said...

What an idiot. He probably thinks that since he publicly declared that he is in a relationship, there is now no harm in flirting shamelessly as it couldn't possibly go anywhere. And what do you mean, about the driving yourself thing?? Does he think you'd stay with him or something?!

Also what if he ever found this blog. Haha.

Also your poor little sickness! Hope you're on the up & up <3

Amy Renee Martin said...

I love your play by plays of your life. I feel so bad for how sick you were! UGH. My daughter just got over a stomach thing that had her gag reflex connected to her poop reflex... so I say peeing your pants is better than pooping your pants. I have been stomach sick lately too, but have managed NOT to throw up. Thankfully. I hope you are feeling better.

Plaid Guru said...

whitney: yeah yeah love you too

robyn: i miss you knowing every update of my life </3 expect more text msgs.

sam: if i ever assemble a team of wicked kick-colins-butt females im going to fly you here

cor: one of my gfs lives in SJ as well, and that is where i stay. i have never stayed with colin but he has come to her place before and we've gone to his friends places to see him. i am feeling better thanks! 2 day flu kick i guess. and if he did ever find this, then he would either confront me about it and get really mad (which i would be frightened of, but could deal with) OR he would not say anything to me but would get to read what my true feelings are about him, uncensored and uninhibited. maybe he'd learn something?

amy: ugh that is much worse. i hope the little miss is feeling better now. nothing is worse then being sick. eeeeeeeugh. and i hope you got over your stomach ick as well! and were able to enjoy the weekend! (we had a long weekend here in canada, yay for VICTORIA DAY!)

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