Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Top of the World (feat. Dev)

What a wonderful support system I have. I really do. I am very thankful. Any troubles seem a little lighter even just thinking about it.

“Maybe we should take a day and fall apart together. But, just one day. <3.” – TF

This weekend is going to be fantastic. I am leaving Friday morning which means I get to escape my 10hr 6 days a week work schedule 2 days early (BOOYAH). I will be bringing home fresh lobsters picked from the trap and cooked Thursday night for my family and as a bit of a late Father’s Day present. Cape Breton lobster is one of my new favorite foods. It is damn good. (Sry, you little ugly bastards!) Saturday night I am having a shared Birthday party with my friend and sorority sister Michelle and all our friends are coming up for it! Should be a blast. I get to see my best friends again. It’s been a while since we’ve all been in the same place at the same time and who knows how many times it will happen again as we continue to grow in our separate lives. Cherish the moment!

Sunday we are scheduled to go on a tube run down the nashwaak river where I plan on getting obscenely sun burned and in all likelihood plastered. Also will be my first time wearing my bathing suit outside this summer (summer doesn’t really exist in PH) and I am praying for sun sun sun.

The weekend was really wonderful. Friday night was a sort of a bust. Jordan me and Scott were playing board games, but then Jordan had to leave early and poo game night over. Saturday was better I invited all the girls over I have met in PH: Stacey, Amber and Amanda, and the four of us sat in my room drinking and talking and then forced Scott to drive us places. He was a good sport :) And still so very handsome. We had a good time driving around the girls in the back, he and myself up front. He’s also started teaching me to play video games. MLB 2006. He lets me ‘bat’ only. So far I have successfully hit 1 ball. I did good though, so he says. We made a delicious breakfast Sunday morning and laid around on the couch watching the movie Goodfellows in the afternoon. Then he had to work the night shift Sunday and he worked it last night as well which means I haven’t seen him for a bit. Sunday evening I was invited to see ‘Super 8’ with Amanda and her roommate Beth. It was pretty good. We ate Wendys and junkfood and shopped at Winners. I got this amazing footstool that matches my bedspread/room perfectly, some soap and a bookbag. Also the poor Winner’s cashier didn’t ring in my $30 bookbag, and I didn’t notice until we were 1hr30min away back in PH. Oh well, bonus!

Last night I got my arse kicked once again at the gym. Kevin has started making us do sprints and he says I’m pretty fast, which has to be one of the most hilarious things I’ve Ever heard. Tonight I have volleyball but it is also Scott’s first competitive baseball game (he tried out for the team a few weeks ago) and I would like to go cheer him on. (Also, seriously, my ass muscles hurt from yesterday. I don’t know how helpful I’d be on the court.) Jordan might come. Him and his gf just broke up Sunday night. Add that to the list of complications in my life.

I will keep you posted. Much love.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Street Spirit (Fade out)

I have no easy way of saying this. Sometimes words, which are so plentiful and demanding in your head, cannot be easily expressed. I am a word smith. I’m urged to release in this way. But that stopper is there. Always there. Holding back your fingers from typing, creasing your brow line, weighing down behind your chest.

Tired. A simple adjective. So easy to use, even if not quite right. Emotions control us; you’d think there’d be an entire dictionary dedicated to describing them. And maybe there is. And maybe it should be used more often.

I am carrying around that hurt feeling in my chest. I feel like a dog that has been beaten. No blood loss, but shaken. Dropped in a lidless box and shaken back and forth.

I crave human attention. It’s like a drug that’s never enough. I am constantly receiving it, but am never satisfied. And when I realize it I STILL can’t stop myself. I can be so happy and I can be so hard.

And now for a retelling: a retelling is never accurate. Never the true story for that is lost. It’s a fashioned piece based on true life events but twisted by the way it was perceived by us and our subconscious desires. I will tell you anyway.

MY LIFE right now is a quick blur. I am 22 turning 23 and it’s sort of frightening. Life seems to be slipping away at a rate faster than anticipated or attested at 16yrs. I get up, I go to work, I come home and am desperate for something to cling to. And yet I am picky. I am hard. I am stubborn. I want what I want and no substitutions. I do not compromise.

I want to be bold and braver. I want to stop shying into a corner. I want to tear down the hard walls that I have sentineled protectively around me, because I’m not really being protected. I’m being sheltered. I’m being stopped. I’m being stunted. I used to be carefree, clueless, so blissfully clueless. And a lot of people got hurt. And I regret a lot of things. And I’m fucking selfish…and I want nothing more than to go back to that again.

Bedrooms are boundaries in our house. They just are.

I greet my friend. We are excited like puppies talking to each other. We bid goodnight. It is midnight. I shed my clothing and slide into comfier wears. I glide into bed and the fantasy begins. It begins with a light knock on my door…

Wait…that is a real knock. Come in. I am tentative and scatterbrained at the same time, unprepared for this reality and falling over myself in my extraction attempts. A handsome form enters in underwear alone. Wanting nothing more than to run my hands over his smooth abdomen, down his back. He has dimples on his lower back. This is it.

SLAM. Walls. Barriers. Chain link fencing with barbed wire tops and a coursing electric current. I can’t even be nice. The tone of my voice won’t allow it. Sharpness, coldness, briskness, is all I can express. I dismiss. Too quickly the moment is over. Too quickly he remarks he won’t bother me again. Too quickly the realization of my actions hits as he exits and my breath catches. Too fucking chicken shit am I to follow him. To say anything.

And here we are. Standing beside each other back to back. Room adjacent. With two hard wooden doors closed firm. I need to go home. I need to be slapped. I need a hug.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A weekend and blur

More bonding with the roommate: Myself and Scott are continuously getting closer. And I don’t know if I like what I’m finding or not. Thursday night I came home to find Jordan and Scott doing their thang. We ended up in the kitchen, me sprawled out on the counter, having a deep conversation about our lives/jobs/educations/expectation. At midnight Jordon left and we relocated to the living room. We stayed up talking til 2am. Lots of topics: crazy life events, hook ups, drinking stories, fighting stories (mostly Scott telling me). I don’t know if I enjoyed the conversation because we were sharing and bonding or if I didn’t because of some of the gross sex stories he was telling me.

However I would like to add that Scott has stopped wearing a shirt around me. And I am not complaining. He is one fit paramedic.

I had my first beach adventure on Saturday with a girl named Amanda. She is pretty cool! Very, very different from my friends in Fredericton. She is extremely rough and not girly in the slightest. But it’s fun cuz she’ll be like “Let’s make a bonfire!” Her presence unfortunately does lead to an increased intake of the Mexican green. Not really my thing, but very much hers and her circle of friends. Meh, beggars can’t be choosers. I am actually really thankful that I have any friends here. I couldn’t imagine being alone.
I did some online shopping recently. Friggin Forever 21 Canada. You rock. Hope my order makes it here sometime relatively soon (Canada Post went on strike two days after I sent in my order!) I am getting these gems, to name a few…

Floral Stripes Strapless Dress

Marble Floral Dress

Mix Print Button Front Dress

Also this is probably the radest etsy shop I’ve ever seen. Completely my style. I want almost everything.

Summer list update:
10. Put my feet in the ocean
24. Run barefoot through the grass
37. Walk barefoot on the beach

Scott did me a big props and got me in touch with a local co-ed volleyball league. I am going to play tonight and am quite excited! Other than that nothing very exciting goes on. I am getting my hair done Friday morning…that is exciting to me here :)

Happppy Tuesdaaaay erybody (I swear I meant to post this last night!)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Today it is Thursday, Thursday

Well folks, let’s add this little gem to our collection:

Ya. Sweet. Found two of them scuttling innocently, trapped at the bottom of one of our larger bowls in the cupboard. Gross.

Grosser: Scott picked the bowl up looked in it, said ew, put it back on the shelf. I watched him do this not bothering to ask. I didn’t find the bugs until the next day :| Ya. Sweet.

In other news, I had my second fun filled Port Hawkesbury weekend. Friday, Scott took us to the fire hall for some pool. Saturday we drank our faces off. I have numerous purple bruises covering my arms and torso. Scott’s a biter. Guess I got off lucky, Jordon found one on his ass. We went out…to Dooley’s. Just the same there was a ton of people there. (And by ton I mean most I’ve seen so far in one place in PH other than Wal-Mart)

Bonus of being intoxicated: speaking to strangers just feels comfortable. Also, so far everyone in Port Hawkesbury has been extremely nice and welcoming. All I need to say is “I just moved here and I don’t know anyone” and they are all over you.

Also, I watched a girl fall down the stairs onto the pavement, sit up and light a cigarette. Sorta made my night.

The next day was kinda wonderful. After assembling in the living room we went to breakfast which was hangovertastic. We spent the rest of the afternoon outside on the lawn throwing various sports balls around, tanning (me) and playing board games. We went to see Bridesmaids and my abs still hurt from laughing.

This week has kinda flown by (I royally slacked on the blogger front). I finally couldn’t handle it anymore so I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. Looks fucking fantastic. Jamie bought me ice cream. I got books from the library (thanks for the recommendations guys!). I am starting with The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood (so far so good) and I have Oryx and Crake(?) waiting at home. THANKS FOR BEING FREE LIBRARY. YOU MAKE MY LIFE.

Last night I was awaked by a large repeated flashing light in my mirror. It was sort of terrifying. Then I realized it was reflecting my window and the crazy lightening flashing every 5 seconds over the ocean. Then the thunder started rolling in. Then my window frames started pounding from the wind. I had both open, but the lightening was so frequent and close and the thunder so quick and loud that I was afraid to go near them to close them. Finally I had to cuz it started raining: both the newer outer screen glass and the older window pane. I was awake from at least 1 to 2:30am. I don’t remember the last time I was so irrationally scared. I wanted to sprint into Scott’s bedroom and huddle under his covers and let his laughing voice reassure me…and believe me I actually would have if I hadn’t known he was working the next morning at 6am. I thought about calling my mom (I’m such a baby!) but I didn’t want to wake her up either OR freak her out. I tried moving to the couch downstairs to see if it would be quieter but it wasn’t. And all the while the storm was still raging outside. I don’t know how my roommates didn’t wake up honestly. And I don’t know how we kept power the whole time. I was clutching my iTouch waiting for the lights to go out.

The sun is out and shining now, but I can see more dark purple rain clouds in the distance. Looks like we'll be in for another fun filled evening. I think I'm going to start taking NyQuil before I go to bed.

PS: 25. Eat corn on the cob

Thought this was neat! My parents, or someone, used to tell me God was bowling.
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