For What It's Worth

Work kills me. Bottom line. Sometimes in a good way. Sometimes in a bad way. When it’s good, I work so hard but it feels good and I enjoy it. When it’s bad I am still working so hard except it doesn’t feel good.

It feels frustrating and pointless! It makes me feel so stupid and question if this is the right career path for me and whether or not I can actually do it or will I just fail. I have visions of my boss saying “You don’t got the stuff, kid.”, and it is terrifying.

Then the really awful part is you want to do better but you can’t even function properly because you’re muscles have all tightened up and your worried face is stuck there and you get shaky and headachy and just think IT’S POINTLESS! I CAN’T DO IT! Side note: Plus of working at Lepreau, there were lots of woodsy walking paths I could take off on without anyone questioning me and have an all-around good emotion vent. Or, in case of serious emergency, I could call up my sister and get talked off the ridiculous ledge that I’d strayed to.

Sometimes I think I should have done something different. My mom told me once that one of her biggest regrets was that she didn’t get to do her ‘dream job’. Funnily enough, the career path she divulged to me that day that she’d always wanted to pursue, unknowing to her answer, is also my dream job: An archeologist. An anthropologist. Whatever you want to call it. I picture myself, as she did, as someone to go out on adventures finding things, traveling to far off places, exploring the past and history and culture and using my hands as well as my head. Wearing cut off khakis and loose button up shirts and bucket hats and constantly meeting new people.
 

Sometimes I think, if I work in the industry for a few years, I can make some money. You know everyone thinks engineers have such a fantastic salary. They really don’t. A base engineering job will probably get you in the high $50,000 a year. Maybe $58,000 if you’re lucky. And I know that’s nothing to snub at either but still it’s not that high.

I just don’t know. I think someday soon I will jettison off and go exploring in Egypt or someplace. 1 more year of school left and I still feel like I don’t know anything. Who would hire me? Would I hire me? When there are so many more kids out there who are sickeningly BRILLIANT while I am merely mediocre.

Is there such a thing as a quarter-life crisis?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. (insert screaming face of choice here.)

(Later that day…)

I think I just had a slight panic attack. But I am better now. Spoken in a British accent ala Everafter (I fell off a ladder in the orchard, but I am better now)

Only 30 more minutes of work which I plan on completely squandering here, on twitter, talking out loud to myself, texting and most importantly eating stale licorice. Schedule for tonight: get home from work. eat. make tomorrows lunch. go to gym. get ass kicked. shower. go to bed. wake up. repeat til insane.

THANK GOD FOR LONG WEEKENDS. Let’s all cross our fingers that the Rapture is not going to happen on Saturday, but if it does I will likely be snuggled next to the people I LOVE cuz I’m going home for 4 days. YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY! I miss all my girly friends, my boyish friends, my kitties and my parents so much! I’m definitely a little homesick. And I miss my house. And my backyard. And my neighborhood. And my BED.

I watched Benny and Joon last night. Young Johnny Depp is hot. And spry.

PAYCE.

schools out for summer soooo i can blog again now

For some reason I have this thing where I can’t announce something big before it happens without getting this horrible stomach feeling. I convince myself that if I announce it all proud and stuff that I’d be completely jinxing myself and then somehow it wouldn’t happen. So here I am. I have been a silent blogger waiting with baited breath to ensure my new adventure...

And well I guess it has happened: I. Have. Moved.

Yah. Moved moved. Out of my parents’ house and out of my hometown, for the first time in my life. (Someone’s growing uuuup) I was offered a summer job placement with Nova Scotia Power at Point Tupper Power Plant (see below) which is where I am now working as sort of an assistant to an instrumentation/controls technical specialist.

So to summarize I moved out and I’m working at another power plant for the summer.

What else?

I sort of started writing...a...book (?). I have like 6 pages, which is nothing. But I guess you could call it a start. I love love love writing. And FYI, you all will never ever read it. Ha! Maybe. Maybe someday...if I become a really famous and rich author ALA Stephanie Meyer (yaaaa rigggghhht).

Uh, I live with two boys in a 110 year old house which so far does not seem haunted, which is a plus. One of them is a 30 something "DJ"/computer nerd, Jamie, who I don't think has ever been even a little bit layed and the other is a 22 yr old paramedic named Scott who is constantly watching baseball or playing baseball video games, sometimes leaves pee in the toilet and enjoys eating my bagels. Gooooooood times.

They are very nice guys tho, so it could be worse. Nonetheless you'll most definitely be hearing my rants about them here

Aaaaand that's enough for now.

Lovelies <3

shock face

just like to say I have amazing friends. lurv you all long time.

OHHH ya let's write a blog ya


This march break I've gotten drunk 3 times, gone out of town, seen a whole lot of family, applied for summer jobs, done homework, got surprise text messages from a person long past and worn alot of pajamas. Good times.

Future plans: get a job, finish homework, go grocery shopping, see a whole whack of movies


26 things that if you're really bored you'll read about me: from A to Z (from axe to....zee other axe)

Age: 22

Bed size: Double

Chore you dislike: Vacuuming = the devil

Dogs: Want one, or two, or many. Not 100% sure. We'll see how big my property is when I'm all grow'd up. But I know I want a BIG lovable dog that can pull me down the street if it wants to.

Essential start to your day: A good pee.

Favorite color: um um sky blue right now I'd say

Gold or silver:WHITE gold actually

Height: 5'11" BAM

Instruments you play(ed): Flute, for like a week

Job title: STUDENT MO FOCKER

Kids:a plenty. And they better not be like the kids on Nanny 911 or someones gonna geta hurt real bad.

Live: Fredericton baby

Mum’s name:Diane

Nicknames: T-fraser, T-frase, T-pain, you name it.

Overnight hospital stays: none to date

Pet peeves: people who stand too close to you in the grocery store line, PERSONAL SPACE BITCH!

Quote from a movie:

Righty or lefty: Righty

Siblings: Brother and two sisters and multiple sorority sisters

Time you wake up:7ish

Underwear: that is personal!

Vegetables you don't like: lima beans, green beans, baked beans. i dont like beans!

What makes you run late: I'm a slow getting ready-er

X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, back, left foot/ankle

Yummy food you make: taco salad to kill

Zoo animal favorites:zebras, or FISH!

how does it feel

Hai urbody. Is anyone else finding today extremely depressing? I pretty much would like to become president of the "I Hate Valentine's Day" Club.

I am one of those rare people who've never had the real valentine's day experience. Even when I was dating someone during, just didn't get that specialness. Special is special. And I seriously feel like I'm missing out. All of you who have someone who loves you and who you love, please realize how lucky you are.

This is kind of a combination post: Semi I like this guy but it's extremely complicated (like building the Eiffel tower out of foam puzzle pieces complicated) slash V-day is depressing me because I want to be spending it with him and I’m not.....(QUICK! SOMEBODY CALL THE WAAAH-MBULANCE!)

Like I said in the last post, I have a crush. It's a dangerous, dangerous, winner of ‘most-likely to crash and burn’ crush. (So, in other words, a typical Tyler Fraser crush.)  It has also now fully developed; it's out of diapers, passed its angsty teen years and is now a fully-fledged bad ass of a mother.

I really, really tried. I really tried not to go there. Not to like him. I had myself convinced for awhile, the odds are so against it, that I didn't. But then all of a sudden I'm cautiously flirting, unable to stop myself, smilingly accepting the drink he’s made me at his party. Next thing you know I'm passing out in his bed with him, even though I know I shouldn’t and I'm fairly sure he does too. But not a thing happens and the night is brushed off as a fluke.

The next night I go over to do some studying but instead we end up watching Paranormal Activity 1 and 2. Still being very cautious, we don't touch eachother.

Monday comes, we talk, we act like everything is normal, like there isn’t something ripping in my stomach to jump him where he stands. But I am wearing a new outfit and feeling confident. The game is beginning to get really fun.

He asks me to come on Friday's pubcrawl. (At this point I am pretty much swooning, my head is spinning and he is clouding my brain of all self preservation. So I go. I have an amazing time. He invites me back to his place again. Everything up to this point is so innocent, and I think that is the true beauty of it. I like him, I think he likes me.I think he thinks I like him too. But neither of us has really shown anything towards each other. We both know it's wrong because he is my TA, and he is a good friend, and we've known each other for so long and nothing like this has come close to happening between us before (for good reason, he dated a friend of mine for 3 years until she broke up with him 4 months ago for another guy) and he is already dating another chick he met at New Years that I actually introduced him to! (Welcome to the complication that is my life) But in spite of it all we end up at his house with two other friends in tow. We order pizza and settle in to watch Knocked Up on tv. This time throwing caution to the wind he puts his arm tightly around me while I lean on his warm chest,  watch the movie and munch on pizza.

So naturally, no words need to be spoken, I follow him into his bedroom when it’s time to sleep. Except we don’t sleep. Not for a while. The non-touching barrier is down and I can feel him behind me, his arm wrapped tightly around my stomach. And my skin is an electric current, buzzing, as the night progresses.

Finally sleep wins out over all.

Morning. No longer able to dream sweetly because now that I am awake and the glitter of the night before seems faded, all I can do is think about what lines have just been crossed, what it means and what's going to happen...

it's looking to be about that time again....

aaaaaand this is what I do while I'm studying to keep sane

I'm sitting at school in a delightfully empty computer lab reading over and making notes concerning my upcoming midterm this Monday. I didn't get to go to the kegger (sad face) due to an overrunning CMPE lab last night which I didn't get home from until about 7:30pm, and which effectively turned my brain into mush. So emotionally stunted and drained I opted for a little R&R, watching a few eps of Dead Like Me, eating some smart pop and reeces and reading American Psycho in the bathtub. Looking forward to next weekend, where I will make my own kegger god dammit.

For those of you wondering, the colin issue has been dismissed. After thinking long and hard I decided that bothering to be facebook friends with him was not really something I wanted, or would benefit me. But being curious about his intentions I instead sent him a casual msg reading: "Sup? I see I was defriended, again huh" Thinking I would get some form of reply along the lines of "yea colleens nuts" or "i'm coming to fredericton this weekend", something to explain his sudden interest. I instead get no reply and mysteriously the friend request disappears. Can friend requests be revoked by those who make them? Curiouser and curiouser I check his account seeing that the msg I'd sent had been deleted and the friend request was there no more, meaning either he changed his mind (completely possible), or else his gf (who also knows his fb password) signed his account up to her Blackberry (which would explain why he had that on his profile news feed even tho he doesn't own a blackberry) and the msg infact went directly to her phone instead where she proceeded to delete the friend request. Either way, I'm a free bird and that was the longest run on sentence ever. Ha! I am relieved. Let's all cross our fingers that well enough is left alone.

Halloween is coming! Need costume ideas...

Girl Scout?
Bank robber?
Greek Goddess?
Sheep.....?

Just a few of the ideas I'm tossing around right now. For some reason I'm leaning toward bank robber. I really want to run around with a stuffed burlap sack with a dollar sign on it. It's hilarious to me I don't know why, but it feels right.

If I were a boy I would dress up as Vincent Price. I just watched House on Haunted Hill. Not gonna lie, I was kinda scared.

Also I feel the need for some pumpkin carving and leaf pile diving!!!!



I fucking love Fall.

and just when things were looking...different

bollocks bollocks bollocks.

today began as a normal lovely fall day. went to school, met up with some friends to work on an assignment (THAT'S RIGHT! I am making friends at school again.

SIDENOTE: sometime around second year I started rebelling against my fellow engineering classmates. decided i hated everyone and they were all annoying losers. kind of a bitch? yea, sort of. I would choose to sit by myself with headphones and a book rather then make "forced" small talk. I don't really understand it now but apparently 16 months away working did me some good, cuz now you can't get me to shut up

One of the girls invited me to go to GEEKCHIC BOUTIQUE downtown with her cuz I'd never been, and we ended up going out to lunch at Dimitris (YUM!) and getting ice cream. we also hit the comic book store (beware of incoming nerdom) and i bought some new buffy books....umm quickly moving on, i saw a purdy lady at dimis :) Shout out to Mfizzle.

And I've been talked into going to my first EVER Electrical/Computer Engineering Kegger party...oooo I'm apprehensive! But kinda super excited to get slammed with my newly appreciated peers.

anywho, just a short, tiny recap there, what was i here for again?

oh ya. that.



caaaan anybody guess? ok. TWO guesses.

it has to do with a certain someone.

a certain someone who lives in saint john.

a certain someone who i thought out of my life for good.

a certain someone who i'd come to terms with having out of my life for good.

a certain someone who i'd already had my closure with.




yupp. you've guessed it. i got a facebook. friend request. from colin.

it popped up on my little innocent iPod screen as me and Tanya were in the parking lot. i heard the little 'bing', it just happened to be in my hand, and there it was, one friend request a la Colin Andrew Boyd. it actually stopped me in my tracks to the point where Tanya asked if I was ok. it was horrible, my stomach just completely sunk.

Tanya offered to steal my Pod right then and there and delete the request for me... but I said no. and now it's just sitting there all, requesty.

it's not the fact that he had the gall to re-add me.
it's not the fact that he deleted me just a few short weeks ago.
it's not the fact that it's been almost 50 days since our last night together and he's thinking about me now.
it's not that he is still in a relationship.

no. none of that compares.

it's the fact that i wouldn't let Tanya delete the request that is the most worrisome.

bring on the kegger.