how does it feel

Hai urbody. Is anyone else finding today extremely depressing? I pretty much would like to become president of the "I Hate Valentine's Day" Club.

I am one of those rare people who've never had the real valentine's day experience. Even when I was dating someone during, just didn't get that specialness. Special is special. And I seriously feel like I'm missing out. All of you who have someone who loves you and who you love, please realize how lucky you are.

This is kind of a combination post: Semi I like this guy but it's extremely complicated (like building the Eiffel tower out of foam puzzle pieces complicated) slash V-day is depressing me because I want to be spending it with him and I’m not.....(QUICK! SOMEBODY CALL THE WAAAH-MBULANCE!)

Like I said in the last post, I have a crush. It's a dangerous, dangerous, winner of ‘most-likely to crash and burn’ crush. (So, in other words, a typical Tyler Fraser crush.)  It has also now fully developed; it's out of diapers, passed its angsty teen years and is now a fully-fledged bad ass of a mother.

I really, really tried. I really tried not to go there. Not to like him. I had myself convinced for awhile, the odds are so against it, that I didn't. But then all of a sudden I'm cautiously flirting, unable to stop myself, smilingly accepting the drink he’s made me at his party. Next thing you know I'm passing out in his bed with him, even though I know I shouldn’t and I'm fairly sure he does too. But not a thing happens and the night is brushed off as a fluke.

The next night I go over to do some studying but instead we end up watching Paranormal Activity 1 and 2. Still being very cautious, we don't touch eachother.

Monday comes, we talk, we act like everything is normal, like there isn’t something ripping in my stomach to jump him where he stands. But I am wearing a new outfit and feeling confident. The game is beginning to get really fun.

He asks me to come on Friday's pubcrawl. (At this point I am pretty much swooning, my head is spinning and he is clouding my brain of all self preservation. So I go. I have an amazing time. He invites me back to his place again. Everything up to this point is so innocent, and I think that is the true beauty of it. I like him, I think he likes me.I think he thinks I like him too. But neither of us has really shown anything towards each other. We both know it's wrong because he is my TA, and he is a good friend, and we've known each other for so long and nothing like this has come close to happening between us before (for good reason, he dated a friend of mine for 3 years until she broke up with him 4 months ago for another guy) and he is already dating another chick he met at New Years that I actually introduced him to! (Welcome to the complication that is my life) But in spite of it all we end up at his house with two other friends in tow. We order pizza and settle in to watch Knocked Up on tv. This time throwing caution to the wind he puts his arm tightly around me while I lean on his warm chest,  watch the movie and munch on pizza.

So naturally, no words need to be spoken, I follow him into his bedroom when it’s time to sleep. Except we don’t sleep. Not for a while. The non-touching barrier is down and I can feel him behind me, his arm wrapped tightly around my stomach. And my skin is an electric current, buzzing, as the night progresses.

Finally sleep wins out over all.

Morning. No longer able to dream sweetly because now that I am awake and the glitter of the night before seems faded, all I can do is think about what lines have just been crossed, what it means and what's going to happen...